Thursday, January 5, 2017


About 7 years ago, a little dog entered my life. I found him on craiglist and had to have him.. see the lady that was selling him and bought him one day before she placed the ad.  I felt bad. How could someone get a dog and not even give him a day before you decide he wasn't for you.

So, I brought him home and named him Charlie.

This picture above his how Charlie looked like with long hair. I just loved this look.  He was a really sweet dog.. Very lovable. He loved to curl up in your neck and give kisses..

Our bond got stronger after one nearly fatal Saturday when a pit bull came out from under his fence and attacked him.. some neigbors helped seperate the dogs and after two surgeries and a month of running back and forth to the vet he recovered from this brutal attack.

This is what Charlie looked liked when he was groomed.

Charlie wasn't the perfect dog.. no matter what I did he would pee on the floor so for the last year or so I had to begin crating Charlie. This wasn't fun but either was stepping in pee as you walked thru the house during the night.  Charlie adjusted ok.. he never liked the crate and never slept in.. 645 am meant time to wake me up by barking to go outside.

Charlie loved cats.. Bella was cool with Charlie grooming her for the most part..

Bella above lost her battle with an virus that caused her to lose weight. She went from a 17 pound cat to about a 8 pound cat and wasn't well.  We learned Charlie was ill the same week I was coming to term with Bella being too ill to go on..

The vet thought Charlie was going to die back in the early fall.. I thought I was going to lose two of my pals in one week.. I had to choose which animal to deal with first.. so I chose Bella.. She been sicker longer and I hadn't had time to really deal with the idea of losing Charlie.

Oh by the way, we have a cat that wasn't found of Charlie's love of cats.

But Charlie and my black lab got along really well.

They were the perfect pair.. was a few times that Ann got jealous and let him know who was boss but for the most part they did good together..

So like I mentioned the vet said Charlie was ill.. He most likely had a growth but without an xray we couldn't be certain.. an xray wouldn't change anything so I didn't get one.. the vet gave him an vitamin injection and it got rid of the fluid.. he continued to get the injection and then got pill forms of it.. he stumped the vet.. he was shocked he was still alive after the first injection..

Charlie took his medication really well. I would hide it in peanut butter.. he knew what time it was and would remind me it was time for it..

The good outcome of this medication was short lived.. on new years day, he slowed down and was laying around but I didn't pay it much attention. it's cold out.. we all our slower.. when he didn't eat and refused his medication I was worried..  I went from worried to scared for his life in a matter of a couple hours..

Poor Charlie was having a rough time.. He was up and down.. plopping down doing the dead dog look.. I was out of my mind scared.. called the emergency vet.. damn places cost way too much. I couldn't bring him unless I thought he was in serious pain.  I was by myself cause my boyfriend was working..

He called my sister to come sit with me.. We stayed at Charlie's side trying to be there for him.. I got him to lay on the couch with me for a little while..

I didn't sleep all night.. As soon as the vet opened we were there waiting.. Charlie didn't enjoy the car ride. He wasn't his happy self.

Charlie's vet was able to see him and seemed sad to see his happy patient struggling.. There was nothing that could be done to save him or make him feel better. I had to make the choice to put him to sleep or bring him home to die.. I would have loved one more kiss.. one more snuggle.. one more happy dance as we fed him but Charlie was struggling and not having a good time.. the vet said the up and down was him struggling to breath.

I am still in a bit of shock how Charlie went from a happy go lucky kiss giving peanut butter begging to at death's door..  but he did.. My Charlie died early Jan 2nd.I made the unselfish decision to put him to sleep. My heart is still hurting.. I still catch myself holding the door for him after Ann comes in from the outside.. i still at times think I hear him bark.. I still think about feeding the dogs.. now it's just Ann and Lucy that cat who doesn't like dogs.. oh yea Filbert the turtle.

I find myself thinking if I could just have one more kiss or one more hug or even one more playful fight that Charlie and I used to do that I would feel better.. but probably would still want one more. I believe Charlie was about 9 or 10 years of age. I sure do miss him.

I will forever be grateful for the years we had together after the attack by the pit bull and even for the few months that lead up to his death.. even though I knew Charlie was most likely ill.. those last few months were happy months for him.. with treatment he started eating again, running with jumping on the couch to snuggle and kiss.. He was enjoying life again. I will treasure those moments.. Rest in peace Charlie. Your were a good boy.. forever in my heart.  Say hello to Bella for me.

This last picture was after a month after the first injection when the vet was stumped he was still alive..  Miss you lots little guy.. Ann does too.

Saturday, May 14, 2016

I am pretty content with life right now. I am happy with my relationship. It's not perfect but then who's relationship really is. We been working together trying to get my house and yard in shape. It's coming along but needs more work. Today, we hired someone to do our yard work. They really did a good job.

Tomorrow, I am going to practice shooting darts for a league that starts on Tuesday. I am pretty excited about it.  It's been about ten years since I gave it up. I will be in one league where I use regular hand darts and come June in another league where I use a blow gun. I am most excited about the blow gun league. 

I am looking forward to getting out and having a good time. We actually will be shooting a double the first night so lots of games. Hopefully, I will get the hang of the new machines. It blows my mind how one can actually shoot darts against someone far away.  I don't think that would be as fun though.

I have a couple exciting runs coming up. On July 4th, I will be meeting up with a friend to do a 8 mile trail run. I done it once before. I know my friend will leave me cause she runs faster. I am okay with that. Especially since I know what to expect this time.

On August 20th, I will run a half Marathon in Chicago with another friend. I know her from the YMCA.  She ran the last few miles with me when I did the half last summer. We will drive there the night before and get a room.. run the half Marthon and then shower and come home.  This is pretty cool. I want to see the world. I have never been to Chicago before. I am really looking forward to it. This friend won't leave me. We will stay together.

I haven't done much running lately though. I don't run in the winter. I just do my fitness classes. I am excited to get started. I think I will do that on Sunday.. Just get it done in the morning before I get too busy.   The weather hasn't been really nice yet but it's getting there.

I plan on sticking with the body pump classes but will exchange a couple other days for running. My friend and I want to beat our last years time. She thinks I came in a little faster than her. My time was 3 hours and 5 minutes.. so hopefully I can beat it.. Mostly, I am just excited to do the run and take in different view.


Thursday, May 5, 2016

new adventures

I was asked to join a dart league besides the league I already signed up for. I don't know why I struggled so badly with the decision to do it or not. I used to shoot darts with my first husband and enjoyed it. I got out of darts shortly after our divorce.  Darts was more his thing but I do miss the competition.

I had a hard time deciding to commit to the hand darts because it would mean for a few weeks I would be playing twice weekly.  I get to thinking about the money.  If I feel like I have to struggle to have the dart money then I know darts won't be fun for me.  I am really excited about blow gun. I wasn't feeling the excitement of hand darts.. I did feel a little pressure to join but the longer the day went on the more I kept thinking about playing.

Time is a big issue for me. I work full time. I strive to workout 4 to 5 times a week. Sometimes, that is fitting in 45 minutes of a class before work. I do majority of the cooking because home cooked meals is important to me. I don't want to get lazy and not have time to cook.

Lastly but not least at all.. my concern is my youngest son. Now that I work full time and I don't always have someone home with him he spends some evenings on his own. He has been doing a pretty good job but I feel bad. I don't like him having to eat alone or eating frozen dinners. Some nights more than not.. I have leftovers that he can heat up.  So if I play darts twice a week that is twice a week I am either away from him or bringing him with me.  Then, it's not really the same as a "night out" If I have to wear my "mom" hat.   I already have a lot of guilt over not always being there or having the free time or cash to do things with him.

I feel guilty about the money. I don't know why but when I spend money these days I feel bad about it. No one has ever made me feel this way. Most of the stuff I am feeling bad about isn't stuff I really need but want. Nothing really majorly expensive. I just recently bought a hand dryer for painting my finger nails.

My biggest reason for committing to this league is because I really need to get out there and be around other people. I have my couple friends but I don't know why but mostly when woman get together we go eat. It's not totally a bad thing because people got to eat.  I just am looking forward to being around other adults competing.

A handful of these people is part of the old crowd from when I was shooting darts before. I think there is a part of me that is nervous stepping back into the game. I imagine some nights I will have to go by myself and fear not fitting in. I have never been one to have many friends. I don't want to sit there feeling like I am not part of the crowd. 

Sunday, May 1, 2016

new/old hobby

I am pretty excited!! Soon I will be getting into darts again! It's been a very long time. I am going to participate in a blow and throw league. I will be doing the blowing.

A very long time ago, I went to state and took 3rd place one night and the second night my partner and I took first place.  I don't know if I will ever compete on that kind of level though again. 

I am not much into doing a lot of traveling and events like that on my own.  I like to have people with me who will take care of me.. I get lost easily. I could even get lost in a hotel.

I am just going to take it one day at a time.. Right now it's just a league.  I don't even know who my partner is.. they set it up for me.

I was supposed to get my blow gun tonight.. My guy drove me and everything and it wasn't in yet.. Pretty bummed out.. Nothing has really gone right this weekend. I was suppose to see my grand baby but no baby... suppose to get my gun.. but no gun..

I did get lots of cuddles from my guy! He is pretty awesome.

Saturday, April 30, 2016

I almost forgot about this blog. I haven't wrote on here in a very long time.  I haven't done much writing at all these days. I am trying to get back into it. 
I am about to take a road trip to one of my retreats on my own. It's pretty exciting and scaring at the same time.  Will post more about that later maybe.

Friday, September 25, 2015

so much change

There has been so much change since I wrote my last blog post on here. I have sort of got out of writing and I miss it.. At times I don't know what to write about or other times it just comes out all wrong.

I am at about 100 lbs down right now.  I am still working out but as focused on any specific plan. I am just following what my heart desires.. It's been mostly combat and walking. I don't want to give up on my Piyo and hope to brave the pool with my new two piece suit.

My marriage has taken a huge nose dive. It's just has run it's course. It's all a bit sad but it is what it is and now we just have to wait out the winter.. We need to get along for the sake of Tyler but at times it's just too much.

I have become a grandmother for the second time. My son is a Father now. It's not the best situation though because they are broke up and are not agreeing with each other.

There has been some work changes but I am really not allowed to talk much about that. It's quite depressing though.

My husband plans on going on a long bike ride and has a go fund me page set up.. check it out HERE 

Wednesday, November 6, 2013

79.9 lbs down!!

Thursday, September 26, 2013

I am at 20lbs away from being at a healthy weight!! It's been almost 2 years since I set out to lose 50lbs and now I am 76lbs lost.  I am ready for this part of of getting healthy to be over. But not quite ready to quit losing weight. I spend a lot of time at my favorite place the YMCA!!
I obess over the calories or some might call counting calories obsessing.  Oh well
I am so proud of me! I have worked so hard and it shows. Weight loss isn't as hard as some make it out to be but it's not as easy as it looks.  I love most of the comments I get.

I think the funniest one is did you mean to lose it? No. I keep looking around for the 76lbs but I just can't seem to find it. Or how about the one that I am too skinny. Or do you eat??  Nope. I don't eat.

The worst was when someone wanted to talk to me for 10 mins about my weight loss as I held a cookie in my hand. I didn't want to eat the cookie and talk and all I could think of was could you leave me alone so I can eat my cookie. haha

I been doing weight training which is taking my out of my comfort zone. Somedays, I feel confident like I belong. Other days, I want to hide away in the corner away from all the buff men. I know I shouldn't feel bad and hell they look good but do they have to look so confident while they look good.

Monday, September 23, 2013

Food for thought...

I feel like people have a wrong impression of what it means to be on a diet. I get many comments about what people think I am eating or not eating. Some people tend to think being on a diet and watching what you eat looks like this.

That isn't a diet any of us can stay on for long.

Here is a better example of a diet one could stay on for a while. This is my dinner from the other night that I took with me to work.

It is veggie chili that orginally has 246 calories. I added a serving of peas, half serving of cheese and serving of crackers.  I did 200 grams of canalope. My total calorie count for dinner was 484 calories and it was very filling.

I have been doing this new workout program at the Y. My weight loss has slowed down a bit. I am working on toning and doing slightly less cardio. Here is a recent picture of me taken after my 9th workout on my new program. I am not sure if the chance is enough to be noticed in pics but I was able to do 15 girl push ups and the another 15. That is something that at the begining I couldn't do.

Just for the record. I am too shy to do the full body shots that would show the flab on my arms.

Sunday, September 8, 2013


It seems like it's been forever since Shadow was hit by a car and died. However, in some ways it seems like it was just like yesterday. Shadow was the dog that replaced the two dogs that we had to give away when I had to move from a crappy lead invested house to a crappy small 2 bedroom apartment.

Blue was too big and at the last minute I found a home for her and Buddy was a small dog but we didn't have the money for a pet deposit.

William begged for Shadow and honestly I had lost track at how old he was getting to be.  He was a sweet old dog but guilty for thinking he wasn't my favorite. My favorite of course is Ann!! She was my reward for buying a house. Screw you apartments I can get a big dog now!

We have adjusted well to only having two dogs. I think they are getting more walks now. Walking 2 dogs is a challenge. Walking 3 is next to impossible. I am happy with the two dogs and one cat. I still have 2 bunnies and fish. Someday, after my bunnies cross the rainbow bridge I may say goodbye to bunny days.

I feel bad for the way Shadow's life ended. Our dogs are pretty smart and well behaved and I think we got cocky and thought it could never happen to us. Dogs getting ran over only happens to people who don't know how to control their dogs.

I lost track of how long ago Ann and shadow fought and Shadow lost his eye. I am thinking 4 years ago. I think we just past 5 years of living here. Let me count, 2007, 08, 09, 10, 11, 12, 2013  So that's six years of having my own home.  It's one of the proudest things I have done for my children. My only regret is that I didn't buy a house sooner and give William a more stable home life.

Tyler will never know more than one house if I can help it. The majority of his memories will happen here. The sad part is that life is pure hell. I don't know if he is having a happy childhood or not. I know raising kids and being a kid isn't all sunshine and rainbows but why are things so diffucult around here?

Besides on early death.. my biggest fear is Tyler is going to be an unemployed, uneducated 500 lb man who eats all day long.  I wonder am I giving my kid an eating disorder? Is it too late? He has my bad habits? Of not knowing when to stop and eating more than needed?

I suppose this ended up being more than about Shadow. We have an IEP tomorrow and I am sure they will try to do their teacher talk and we always do it this way and blah blah.. go hush your mouths up and teach.  Quit with all the damn testing and go back to the basics.  But don't listen to me. Just go ahead of fuck up this generation so we have a bunch of grown ups that can't read and can't do math. Oh don't forget.. they baby this generation. I walked bare foot in the snow both ways!! haha  ok. Rant over.

I haven't been feeling too well and I suppose it's pms trying to kick my ass before it gets here. Maybe even a little depressed. What we are doing at home isn't working.