new adventures

I was asked to join a dart league besides the league I already signed up for. I don't know why I struggled so badly with the decision to do it or not. I used to shoot darts with my first husband and enjoyed it. I got out of darts shortly after our divorce.  Darts was more his thing but I do miss the competition.

I had a hard time deciding to commit to the hand darts because it would mean for a few weeks I would be playing twice weekly.  I get to thinking about the money.  If I feel like I have to struggle to have the dart money then I know darts won't be fun for me.  I am really excited about blow gun. I wasn't feeling the excitement of hand darts.. I did feel a little pressure to join but the longer the day went on the more I kept thinking about playing.

Time is a big issue for me. I work full time. I strive to workout 4 to 5 times a week. Sometimes, that is fitting in 45 minutes of a class before work. I do majority of the cooking because home cooked meals is important to me. I don't want to get lazy and not have time to cook.

Lastly but not least at all.. my concern is my youngest son. Now that I work full time and I don't always have someone home with him he spends some evenings on his own. He has been doing a pretty good job but I feel bad. I don't like him having to eat alone or eating frozen dinners. Some nights more than not.. I have leftovers that he can heat up.  So if I play darts twice a week that is twice a week I am either away from him or bringing him with me.  Then, it's not really the same as a "night out" If I have to wear my "mom" hat.   I already have a lot of guilt over not always being there or having the free time or cash to do things with him.

I feel guilty about the money. I don't know why but when I spend money these days I feel bad about it. No one has ever made me feel this way. Most of the stuff I am feeling bad about isn't stuff I really need but want. Nothing really majorly expensive. I just recently bought a hand dryer for painting my finger nails.

My biggest reason for committing to this league is because I really need to get out there and be around other people. I have my couple friends but I don't know why but mostly when woman get together we go eat. It's not totally a bad thing because people got to eat.  I just am looking forward to being around other adults competing.

A handful of these people is part of the old crowd from when I was shooting darts before. I think there is a part of me that is nervous stepping back into the game. I imagine some nights I will have to go by myself and fear not fitting in. I have never been one to have many friends. I don't want to sit there feeling like I am not part of the crowd. 

new/old hobby

I am pretty excited!! Soon I will be getting into darts again! It's been a very long time. I am going to participate in a blow and throw league. I will be doing the blowing.

A very long time ago, I went to state and took 3rd place one night and the second night my partner and I took first place.  I don't know if I will ever compete on that kind of level though again. 

I am not much into doing a lot of traveling and events like that on my own.  I like to have people with me who will take care of me.. I get lost easily. I could even get lost in a hotel.

I am just going to take it one day at a time.. Right now it's just a league.  I don't even know who my partner is.. they set it up for me.

I was supposed to get my blow gun tonight.. My guy drove me and everything and it wasn't in yet.. Pretty bummed out.. Nothing has really gone right this weekend. I was suppose to see my grand baby but no baby... suppose to get my gun.. but no gun..

I did get lots of cuddles from my guy! He is pretty awesome.

I almost forgot about this blog. I haven't wrote on here in a very long time.  I haven't done much writing at all these days. I am trying to get back into it. 
I am about to take a road trip to one of my retreats on my own. It's pretty exciting and scaring at the same time.  Will post more about that later maybe.

so much change

There has been so much change since I wrote my last blog post on here. I have sort of got out of writing and I miss it.. At times I don't know what to write about or other times it just comes out all wrong.

I am at about 100 lbs down right now.  I am still working out but as focused on any specific plan. I am just following what my heart desires.. It's been mostly combat and walking. I don't want to give up on my Piyo and hope to brave the pool with my new two piece suit.

My marriage has taken a huge nose dive. It's just has run it's course. It's all a bit sad but it is what it is and now we just have to wait out the winter.. We need to get along for the sake of Tyler but at times it's just too much.

I have become a grandmother for the second time. My son is a Father now. It's not the best situation though because they are broke up and are not agreeing with each other.

There has been some work changes but I am really not allowed to talk much about that. It's quite depressing though.

My husband plans on going on a long bike ride and has a go fund me page set up.. check it out HERE 

79.9 lbs down!!

I am at 20lbs away from being at a healthy weight!! It's been almost 2 years since I set out to lose 50lbs and now I am 76lbs lost.  I am ready for this part of of getting healthy to be over. But not quite ready to quit losing weight. I spend a lot of time at my favorite place the YMCA!!

I obess over the calories or some might call counting calories obsessing.  Oh well
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I am so proud of me! I have worked so hard and it shows. Weight loss isn't as hard as some make it out to be but it's not as easy as it looks.  I love most of the comments I get.

I think the funniest one is did you mean to lose it? No. I keep looking around for the 76lbs but I just can't seem to find it. Or how about the one that I am too skinny. Or do you eat??  Nope. I don't eat.

The worst was when someone wanted to talk to me for 10 mins about my weight loss as I held a cookie in my hand. I didn't want to eat the cookie and talk and all I could think of was could you leave me alone so I can eat my cookie. haha

I been doing weight training which is taking my out of my comfort zone. Somedays, I feel confident like I belong. Other days, I want to hide away in the corner away from all the buff men. I know I shouldn't feel bad and hell they look good but do they have to look so confident while they look good.

Food for thought...

I feel like people have a wrong impression of what it means to be on a diet. I get many comments about what people think I am eating or not eating. Some people tend to think being on a diet and watching what you eat looks like this.

That isn't a diet any of us can stay on for long.

Here is a better example of a diet one could stay on for a while. This is my dinner from the other night that I took with me to work.

It is veggie chili that orginally has 246 calories. I added a serving of peas, half serving of cheese and serving of crackers.  I did 200 grams of canalope. My total calorie count for dinner was 484 calories and it was very filling.

I have been doing this new workout program at the Y. My weight loss has slowed down a bit. I am working on toning and doing slightly less cardio. Here is a recent picture of me taken after my 9th workout on my new program. I am not sure if the chance is enough to be noticed in pics but I was able to do 15 girl push ups and the another 15. That is something that at the begining I couldn't do.

Just for the record. I am too shy to do the full body shots that would show the flab on my arms.

Shadow

It seems like it's been forever since Shadow was hit by a car and died. However, in some ways it seems like it was just like yesterday. Shadow was the dog that replaced the two dogs that we had to give away when I had to move from a crappy lead invested house to a crappy small 2 bedroom apartment.

Blue was too big and at the last minute I found a home for her and Buddy was a small dog but we didn't have the money for a pet deposit.

William begged for Shadow and honestly I had lost track at how old he was getting to be.  He was a sweet old dog but guilty for thinking he wasn't my favorite. My favorite of course is Ann!! She was my reward for buying a house. Screw you apartments I can get a big dog now!

We have adjusted well to only having two dogs. I think they are getting more walks now. Walking 2 dogs is a challenge. Walking 3 is next to impossible. I am happy with the two dogs and one cat. I still have 2 bunnies and fish. Someday, after my bunnies cross the rainbow bridge I may say goodbye to bunny days.

I feel bad for the way Shadow's life ended. Our dogs are pretty smart and well behaved and I think we got cocky and thought it could never happen to us. Dogs getting ran over only happens to people who don't know how to control their dogs.

I lost track of how long ago Ann and shadow fought and Shadow lost his eye. I am thinking 4 years ago. I think we just past 5 years of living here. Let me count, 2007, 08, 09, 10, 11, 12, 2013  So that's six years of having my own home.  It's one of the proudest things I have done for my children. My only regret is that I didn't buy a house sooner and give William a more stable home life.

Tyler will never know more than one house if I can help it. The majority of his memories will happen here. The sad part is that life is pure hell. I don't know if he is having a happy childhood or not. I know raising kids and being a kid isn't all sunshine and rainbows but why are things so diffucult around here?

Besides on early death.. my biggest fear is Tyler is going to be an unemployed, uneducated 500 lb man who eats all day long.  I wonder am I giving my kid an eating disorder? Is it too late? He has my bad habits? Of not knowing when to stop and eating more than needed?

I suppose this ended up being more than about Shadow. We have an IEP tomorrow and I am sure they will try to do their teacher talk and we always do it this way and blah blah.. go hush your mouths up and teach.  Quit with all the damn testing and go back to the basics.  But don't listen to me. Just go ahead of fuck up this generation so we have a bunch of grown ups that can't read and can't do math. Oh don't forget.. they baby this generation. I walked bare foot in the snow both ways!! haha  ok. Rant over.

I haven't been feeling too well and I suppose it's pms trying to kick my ass before it gets here. Maybe even a little depressed. What we are doing at home isn't working. 

Tyler started 8th grade and I didn't even bother to take a picture of him on his first day of school. I know that's kind of bad. Maybe, this school stuff is getting old. Just one more year closer to high school and one more year closer to him being of legal age.

Maybe, I didn't take the picture since it's unifomrs. It's not going to look any different from last year. I suppose I could still snap a picture and pretend it's the first day. 

Rockford Park District!! Thank you!!

One of my favorite summer traditions to go to Magic Waters and spend the day. Tyler and I went today and we had a blast. I have had to get brave to get some thrills with him. I don't believe I went to Magic Waters as a kid. I might have been once but don't recall doing much.

A few years back, I learned about the fun packets that The Rockford Park District sells to those that qualify. We get a summer full of events worth over 200 for 25 bucks!! It's something I wish I would have known when William was younger because he hasn't really gotten the same outings as Tyler has gotten.

He has gotten some but it was past the point where it's fun to hang out with Mom.

A few times today, Tyler left me alone and was interacting with other children. He got a little bord and tired with Magic Waters after about 7 hours of fun. I hope I can get a few more years with him while he still thinks it's fun to hang with Mom.

We have kind of got a late start with summer due to the weather and me taking on extra shifts at work. I always struggle with finding that perfect balance to work and spend quality time with Tyler.

I miss the days when my kids were young and one had all year for fun. He works so hard during the school year that there isn't a lot of fun that goes on during the school year.

In a perfect world, I would have my weekends free during the school year with him and in a perfect world I wouldn't have to send Tyler to his other parent every other weekend due to divorce.

It's a good thing that I have accepted that I wasn't born into a perfect world nor do I lead a perfect life or I might be pretty ticked off.

I am so thankful to The Rockford Park District for offering discounts for camps and the fun packets for children to have an enjoyable summer.

Not everyone has the funds to go on vacations away from home or pools in their backyards or the funds sitting around for expensive summer camp.

I am so lucky that we have a park system that has been set up to help the children that are not being raised with higher wage earning parents to have a summer filled with fun. These packets are not a giveaway to the paretns. The parents pay for them and also pay for themselves in most of the situations. Not complaining one bit. I love experiencing all the fun things. I get to watch my son has fun and I get to be a kid a again.

Tyler will have 3 weeks of sleepaway camp. It's not free. We had to pay and even then had to sacerfice and count our pennies to cover the 3 weeks.. I am not complaining though. The summer memories that he will carry with him for a lifetime is worth the sacerfice that as his parents that we make.

Tyler will have many events of swimming, two trips to Magic waters, golf, trolley ride, forest city queeen ride and ice skating if I can convince him. This isn't everything but it's a good bit.. Can't remember them all right off hand.

There is the tradition of the trail ride!! I love watching him ride the horses as much as he loves riding them. I hope to be able to afford to ride my own horse this year!! I have never been on a horse. I figure if I can brave Splash Blaster and live to talk about it.. Then, I can brave a horse ride. I think horses are such beautiful animals. Maybe, I can take one home?? :)

I don't know how the word gets around about this wonderful program. I didn't know about it until Tyler was finsihing up 5th grade I believe. The Park District has helped us make traditions and memories that we most likely wouldn't be making had we not learned more about what they have to offer to children like my son.

Thank again to the Rockford Park District!! Keep doing what your doing. It doesn't go unnoticed and I am sure I am not the only parent who appreciates our summer filled with exciting events that are affordable to my family.