Life has still been kind of crazy. My work still drives me nuts. I am doing a lot of driving and haven't found the perfect client yet. However, the one in Freeport has been the best.
Will is an 9th grader now and Tyler is a 4th grader now. My husband was sweet this week. He bought me a few outfits for my dolls. My top dresser drawer has more baby clothes than underwear now lol. I bet everyone wants to see my dolls!! :)

We as humans are the only ones who can choose to end lives or give them. This song is beautiful!

pictures

Check out Marty giving snacky a bath and miss B thinking she has found a comfy bed on the baby's lap.

Ashley's birthday (my daughter) is coming up next month. I am making her a scrapbook which she may or may not ever see. I am not in control of that. Well, anyways, it's been a great pleasure creating it for her.
In honor of her 18th birthday, if anyone would like to create a page for her book that would be really cool. It can be pictures of yourself and a letter or artwork. Whatever you feel like creating. Micheal's is the best place to go, because you can get just one scrapbook page for it. The size to get would be 8 1/2 by 11 inches. It's basically the middle size that they have. It doesn't matter what your family statis would have been to her if she was my daughter in the real world. It would really be special to have others included a little bit in the book, but no pressure.

Yipee!!! I think I got some hours I might just like. I will be working 40 hours in 4 days and not all stuck together. Now if I just don't get lost going to Freeport next week maybe I can breathe again.

I have to go back to work. I had a nice little break. I hope it was what I needed to feel the awesomeness of my job. It's so important for me to do something good. My husband worked quite a bit this week so that was good. I got to play. Now I have to go play a grown up! :)

I haven't been quite myself lately. I am not even sure what myself is anymore. I have been having a pretty rough time as of late. I miss Bob and Sandy so bad. After spending two years with them, I have come to love them so much. I worked with a different client this weekend and my heart just isn't in it. Also, my company is treating me as if I am on call. If it's within hours I say I can work, they expect me to jump. I can't jump so I had to tell them to block all my hours, besides the ones they gave me. Luckily, my guy has been working more this week. This has given me sometime to just deal with life. I am loving him more and more these days. He is awesome.

I am missing Ashley more and more as her birthday comes up. I have some special birthday plans for her, but she won't be there of course. It will probably just be my husband and me. I hope someday she can know that she was/is wanted and loved by me. It's hard to believe that she is 18 years old. Wow!!! She is probably so beautiful!! My biggest fear is what if she faced the same fate as me. Closed adoptions suck and I am glad that they are more of a thing of the past. I really wish I could proudly display a picture of Ashley on my wall. The last one that I have she must have been about three. I think it would help all of us remember that she is grown and not a baby. I wish her parents were not so afraid or fearful of me. I wish they would remember that I choose life!!! I would never harm "our daughter"

I was at Walmart doing some shopping and I decided to walk through the baby stuff. My step daughter is going to have a baby and I love to look at baby things and see what I might want to buy for the baby. What I seen is something that I don't want to buy, but I thought it was funny. So I sent her a picture on her phone, but she couldn't see the picture. It's a cage!! They didn't market it as a cage, but it's to keep the baby confined.




Today, when Tyler and I took Ann for a walk we seen this beautiful flower growing on our fence. I am not sure what it is, but it's beautiful and free.

I know many people are aware that I have a daughter. Ashley isn't in my life, but she is on my mind a lot. It seems as if adoption is a taboo subject. I just want to let everyone in or out of my life that adoption and the placement of my daughter for adoption isn't a taboo subject. Ashley can be discussed. If anyone has any questions feel free to ask me. I have nothing to hide.I have been working on a scrapbook to give it her. I would love to show the book off to others. I don't really expect anyone to have the same passion for the book or for Ashley as I do. For I am the only one who has walked in my shoes. Also, I know that I am the only one who really feels the pain of losing her. People can pretend to care, but the fact is that most people just won't feel the connection that I feel. I feel babies can be removed from the mother's but you can't break the connection and you can never take the love from the Mom away.

Work

I survived my first week without Bob and Sandy. Well, it hasn't really been a week, because I was there on Tuesday. I really miss them. I just love them so much. I especially miss Sandy. She was a sweetheart on most days and I felt like she needed me more. Don't get me wrong. She could turn on ya in a second, but it didn't take long for her to love me again. I am hoping they don't decide to stay in the nursing home. I do want what is best for them.
I have visited two new sets of clients. One couple, I was only there for two hours decided we weren't a good match. All because I made crappy pancakes! haha. This other couple, who I spent 26 hours with in three days seem pretty cool. The wife is the one who needs us. I really got the impression that she was afraid of me. So, I just tried to stay out of her face as much as I could. We went out to eat three times in the three days. Twice today. The places were a little more down to earth compared to where my other clients used to go. I am guessing that I will be going back there unless I hear different. The husband told me if I had known his wife when she was young and normal that I would love her. What he doesn't understand is that I love them just the way they are now. But I do understand what he means. I feel bad for him when she tells him he isn't her husband. That has got to hurt. Out of both these couples, one thing struck me as odd. They sat in recliners and couldnt easily hold hands or cuddle. Bob and Sandy were always holding hands and being together. I made Tad promise me that we won't have recliners, because I want to hold hands. I am loving Tad more and more these days. I have to be able to cuddle.

My job has be so frustrated. I am not used to not having set hours.I am not used to finding new address and getting used to new people. They have been bugging me to go to homes out and town and I don't fucking want to.They just don't get it. I get lost in Rockford. I could go out of town and never be seen again.Do they really care? No. I try and tell them that I just can't do it. Grrrrrr I am giving them about a month and see if I can handle this change.

I am learning that forgiving those that have done you wrong is more about my peace than the person who has done me wrong. It's easy to say I forgive someone,but much more difficult to really mean it.

Goodbye Martin

I haven't known you forever, but I still loved having you around. You helped me stay warm at night. You will never be forgotten and will always be missed by me and others that loved you. Rest in peace Martin boy.

I was getting ready for work this morning and my company was calling me. She informed me that our services are being canceled. I had to say goodbye to Bob and Sandy. It's all because of money. I feel so bad for them both. They are not going to get the love and attention like they are used to. I don't think they will be harmed, but they will be just a number. Today, the cna even admitted that they can't give the same kind of attention. There was three cna for 16 people and three of those people need two cna's at a time.
My work had the nerve to ask me to work tomorrow. Where is the hey Thank you for spending two years with the same people. why dont ya take a day off. I told them that I didn't want to work that I was trying to hold it all in.

This is going to be my 500th post on this blog. I am writing to inform people that Martin days are pretty much up. He would be 18 years old next month. I don't think he is going to make it. He is looking really bad. He is really my husband's cat, but I just love him the same. Anybody or thing that he loves I love.

Martin is looking pretty sick, but he is almost 18 years old and not spending hundreds to find out that he is old. I swear last night that he was lying in the bathroom dead. I was afraid to touch him to find out. I was afraid to tell my husband in the middle of the night that his cat was dead. So I told him in the morning that I thought Martin was dead, but he wasn't on the floor anymore. One might ask if the cat was dead why not do something? Well, I can't raise the dead and why upset my husband any sooner than he has to be. I really don't know if all these crazy thoughts about thinking he was dead was for real or a dream, but isn't my house pretty strange if I thought the cat was dead, but ignored it. I think I hear about death so much that it doesn't faze me much.

I am kind of sad, because Sandy has been moved from the hospital to the nursing home in the rehab section. She might as well be in a walk in closet. I think she deserves better treatment. I worked my last long shift. Now I will be on 8 hour days and only 4 days this week. It doesn't pay to take care of the elderly.

Somewhere out there

Somewhere Out There

written by James Horner, Barry Mann, Cynthia Weil

Somewhere out there beneath the pale moonlight
Someone's thinking of me and loving me tonight

Somewhere out there someone's saying a prayer
That we'll find one another in that big somewhere out there

And even though I know how very far apart we are
It helps to think we might be wishing on the same bright star

And when the night wind starts to sing a lonesome lullaby
It helps to think we're sleeping underneath the same big sky

Somewhere out there if love can see us through
Then we'll be together somewhere out there
Out where dreams come true

And even though I know how very far apart we are
It helps to think we might be wishing on the same bright star

And when the night wind starts to sing a lonesome lullaby
It helps to think we're sleeping underneath the same big sky

Somewhere out there if love can see us through
Then we'll be together somewhere out there
Out where dreams come true

This song is special to me.

I found a new talent. I can draw like a kid again. Here is a couple pages from Ashley's book. I am sure she won't mind sharing them with you all.

I feel so bored!!! Tyler is going to spend a few extra days with his Dad. I finally am getting some rest from my job. I was suppose to be working right now, but the man who I was going to take care of has died during the night. I am not sure I really want to be working with hospice patients anyways. Well lets look for some pictures to show off.

I am still adjusting to my new hours at my job. I am working less, but still really long days. I am still not sure if I will lose my clients to the nursing home or not. I really don't think it will be the best move for them, but then again I am biased. I say this, because they are used to having one person to take care of the two of them. If they move, they will have to share a caregiver with many other old people. I can see Sandy* becoming really mean FAST! All I can say is do what you think is best.
I have to start considering working for other clients. So, on Friday, I am taking on a new client. That's if he lives that long. He is on hospice. I have a fear of people dieing on my watch. So hospic isn't something that I really want to do. However, it's something I can do for others.
I am starting to get used to not having the internet at home. I still don't quite like it though. I did get some housework done so maybe it's a good thing.

Sometimes, I feel as if I am doomed. Like bad stuff just keeps happening to me. My clients are driving me crazy. It's not all bad. Mostly, it's the heavy emotional stuff that I don't want to think about. I hear things from this married couple that most don't get to hear. I don't try to eavesdrop, but I have normal hearing.
The other night, the retirement home bus hit my van. Bob thought it was funny, because he crashed into the same lady's car a few years ago. Even though, I feel like bad stuff follows me around, my mood is improving. I am laughing again.
Tyler and I was able to visit with Pam. She is just awesome. I really love her. She is the person I call if I am sad. She can always lift me up. She gave Tyler a math lesson and some ideas to help him at home. Tyler had a good time too, because he was able to swim in her pool. I need to post some pictures of my broke tree and van and everyone can laugh at it too.