We have been getting counseling from a church. Having not come from a family that spoke of God, it's been a little odd to hear someone speak so much of it. The other day, I was really wondering if what he has to say is real and to give me a sign. Well, guess what? The wind picked up, and I was wondering if that was my sign. Today, I looked in the back yard and our apple tree is down. So maybe there is a God and he is pissed!!!! :)

I am so mad at myself. A very nice lady gave me a digital camera so I could keep working on my scrap book and I lost it. Or someone walked with it. Maybe it was a kid, I just don't know. Damn!This really sucks on top of everything else going on.

My heart is just breaking into two right now. My clients are most likely moving into the nursing home, because they need a level of care that don't involve the caregivers sleeping at night. It will almost double what they pay. So at the age of 98 years old, they have to face one more move before they go on to heaven. It's so sad. I cried myself to sleep and had a good cry in the morning. I kind of understand what my company is doing, but I feel like they are going to kill them. Sandy* is the problem isn't catching on to anything yet. I suppose that's the best. But poor Bob is so depressed. Sunday, is my last live-in day. I will probably get at least two more weeks with them. I will be working from 9 am to 11 pm at night. That should be a breeze. Just saying goodbye isn't going to be easy. Maybe it's not a goodbye, but I will see ya later.

My clients are becoming too much to handle. It's Sandy who is causing all the trouble. She doesn't think right anymore and basically is keeping everyone awake at night. My company is going to force them from going to a live-in arrangement to a 24 hour round the clock care. This means that there will probably be more caregivers and hourly pay and no more sleeping at work. I am not sure if this is good or not. I feel as if Bob had taken our advice and gave her something to help her sleep this could be avoidable. It's going to probably double his costs for their care. It's not going to as of right now, but it could be a possible they kicked us all in the ass if they move into the nursing home. I am kind of scared, but thrilled at the chance of living a normal life again. It's what i have been wanting to stay with my clients, but less time.

Men are pigs!!!! Oink Oink.

Who is the birthday girl?

My Mom is!!! Tomorrow is her birthday!!! I would do a silly birthday video, but our internet friends moved and no more free internet at home. It really sucks! I am not going to tell he age, but she is 20 years older than me. Happy Birthday Mom!!!

Lately, when I go for walks, I see a lot of homes empty and for Sale and even garage sales in the house. So Sad!! Home owners keep the fight going!!! Owning homes and having a big goofy dog has to be the American dream.

Tell my Mom Happy Birthday!!

Two months from today marks, my daughter's 18th birthday!! I hope she didn't grow up as fast as me. I hope she continues to go to school and become the best of what she can become. I can only imagine that she is beautiful!!! I hope she handles hearing about all the grief from the 9/11 attacks okay. I really don't handle it well. It pisses me off! Oh well. What can I do.

I have been really enjoying making Ashley's scrapbook to some day give it to her. I know I will see her again. I can feel it from within. Call me crazy, I just don't care. Well, anyways a while back our camera was broke and we have just been to flat broke to get another one. I been trying to get out from the dark closet or up from under the dirty rug and talk more about my daughter. I don't need to have long conversations, but just so that if I am talking about the scrap book as my hobby I don't have to pretend it's something it isn't. So, I told a coworker about Ashley and how I am making the book. I told her how I been limited on what I can do these days, because the camera was broke. Normally when I tell someone about adoption they don't bring it up again. This morning, she walks in with a digital camera and said it was for me. I was just shocked. She is going to pick up an memory card for it and it's a perfectly working digital camera. She said, "now you can get back to making your scrap book, you deserve it" I was shocked. I almost cried. Someone seen how important Ashley and the book is to me and gave me something very special. Wow!!! is all I can say.
I also got a call from NCO where my step daughter works. I really don't want to leave my clients. If I lived in a perfect world, I would have a bank account with enough money to get me by a while until I figured out what to do then.

Why does everyone treat adoption as the dirty little family secret? For women who have lost children for adoption it's a big thing to them. Does it need to be kept in the closet or swept under the rug? No. Sometimes I just want to someone to acknowledge that I do have a daughter. I have fallen for society's trick of don't tell others that you had a daughter. So, very few people know the real me. For those who do know the real me, they just like to pretend that Ashley was never born. They just washed their hands of her. Well, guess what I didn't. She is still a very big part of my thoughts. My children know of her and it's been the best for me. I don't have to hide anymore. I can buy a ring or a charm with the Sept birthday. I can say it's for Ashley. Like Tyler said, when we were making a ocean for Ashley, well she is your daughter still. Damn right she is. If there is anyone who would like to learn more about the struggles and problems Birthmother's face after placing their children for adoption. Even if it was by choice. However, mine wasn't by choice. Choice would mean that I had two or more options. I was given one choice and that was adoption. But it's done and did and I am making Ashley a scrapbook that someday I can have the pleasure to give her. I just know that she is a beautiful girl. Well anyways the book is by Merry Bloch Jones. Enjoy the ocean we made for Ashley. I am sure she won't mind me sharing it with ya'll. It's much prettier in person, because you can see the water.

I am so proud of Ann!! We were enjoying a nice quiet walk just a little bit of ago. I thought wow most of the dogs are inside or something, because it's quiet. Then, all of a sudden, there are two dogs running towards us that are bigger than her. In a normal situation, with the owners around, I would be saying they were very cute dogs, but I was scared. They were right on top of her sniffing her out and stuff. I didn't know what to do. I gave all instructions to sit and to stay. She did really good. She listened. I guess I am unexperienced in other big dogs, because I just didn't know what to do. When one of them was deciding that even though she is fixed that she might give them some fun I yelled no!! and they ran away like some scared boys. Animal control is coming out looking for them and I am going to buy me so mace. This is the second time this week another dog has gotten too close.

Happy 4th of July

Yesterday, on the radio, they were talking about the reasons behind the 4th of July and your homework was to shake the hands of someone serving this country or a Veteran. I was able to turn to my husband and shake his hand. Pretty easy homework. My husband is a Veteran of the Navy. I bet he looked hot in his uniform!!!
I been working pretty hard in our bedroom. I have all the carpet up and the stables and just got to clean the floor really good. We have been sleeping out in the living room and I am afraid I created a monster. It sounds crazy, but Tad wants the bed in the living room. He feels safer in there. I kind of almost fell for it, because then I could put my equipment in the bedroom and workout without being in a dark, wet, basement. I don't think I am going to go for it though, because of the privacy issue thing. It was kind of a good idea.
I haven't really been going to the Ymca much. It's kind of dumb to pay for it and not go. I think I am going to make a strong effort to go and if it don't work cancel it. Maybe even go to the extent of making Tad walk to work. I am mean. I can't take care of everyone and not me.

Tyler wanted me to do a poll and he picked the question. Please vote and if possible vote more than once to show him that lots of people wanted to answer his questions.