There has been some talk that I am crazy, because I am effected by adoption. Unless you have walked in my shoes. You have no right to call me crazy. I could call others crazy for their actions and past, but I choose not to do that. If there is anyone who would like to discuss what I have been through, I would be more than happy to speak to you. If you can't speak to me about adoption, then do me a favor, and don't talk about my situation with others. Bye all.

bye 2008

Happy new year everyone!! Why don't ya'll go get drunk and do things you wouldn't do sober!! lol I am a good girl, I don't do bad things drunk, I just go to sleep. Remember if you do drink and drive-- the cops will put you behind bars---you will ride in the back of a van,in a cage-- like your a dog going to the pound. haha Of course I have never been to jail. You can even get a ride home from the cops, They have a program set up to take you home, but not from bar to bar. You get to look at hot cops on the way home, and you don't go in the cage, and there is no stripping and coughing.

2008 had it's good points

. We bought Ann
.my clients are still alive
.I earned college credits
. my husband brought me home a baby bunny
. I got to babysit snacky (who in a little way reminds me of Tigger) Anyone notice Snacky hasn't went home yet. Thank you neighborhood girl.
. my husband and kids still love me
. I now know that Ashley is very pretty
. my Dad calls me
. spongebob and bendaroos helped my sick boy today
. my neighborhood is pretty nice, and filled with homeowners and kids
. my husband's kid's seem to be doing well
. Tyler eats from the land in the summer.. Yummy peaches, apples and berries.
.my husband hasn't gotten a ride in the back of a van

2008 had it's bad points

. Shadow lost his eye. ( well not lost it.. we know where it went)
. my clients take turns not being well
. Bob (client) says he has to quit driving
.I discovered where Ashley lives--- so close but yet so far away
. my car makes a lot of noise
. my job forgot about pay raises
. Roger and Amy died, and the cats ate Tyler's gerbil Amy.. sshhhh we didn't tell him.
Tv advertises all kinds of stuff Tyler just has to have. Hello bendaroos

Some Christmas pictures some not

See my hungry kitty? I took a picture of a picture of one of the boys, as a baby.Can you tell me which one it is? Leave a comment, you have a 50/50 chance of being right.

Last night we went to the hotel for swimming, Tad got us in for free, because he delivers free pizza to them. We had a good time, but Tad got jealous when some guys followed me into the hot tub to talk to me. I would much rather have the hot tub at the Ymca, but he can't come in there.
Then we cooked some yummy cheeseburgers, and watched Firestarter, the end of the movie was just awesome!!
I have to go to work, and I don't want to go. I would rather watch more movies, or play with my puppy dog. Well got to run.

Christmas is past on by

Christmas wasn't as exciting as most years. I was bummed out by the thought that I had to work Christmas morning, because the kids and I Dad's divorced, I am used to not having them the whole holiday. I am not used to having to run out so early.

I picked Will up for Christmas Eve, we planned on doing most our Christmas stuff on the eve, because I had to work. We didn't do the presents on Christmas eve, because that goes against all the past years.

We made a Christmas tree cake, and just mostly hung out. I wasn't feeling the best. Will wanted to go to Kmart to buy Tyler a present, because didn't have any money. I think he is old enough to buy gifts for his brother with his own money. He gets money here and there. So he has to pay me back. While we were shopping, I bought a frame to hang a picture of Ashley on the wall. For those who don't know me. Ashley is my daughter, but not my family. She is biologically a sister to my boys, but just a name and a face to them right now. We added her picture to the wall of kids. She is the oldest by birth of my three kids, but Will is the oldest of my parented kids. I feel that not displaying her picture is just adding to keeping everything in the silence. I don't think I have to be ashamed of her, or should other adoptee's be kept in hiding.

We had a pretty good Christmas Eve dinner, if you don't mind burned ham and gooey mashed potatoes. It was still good though. The most important thing is that we had our family. It was just the four us, and our two dogs, four cats, our bunny and gerbil.
My Dad and his wife came by for a visit, and brought the kids a couple of presents. Tad's mom sent both kids a little gift. Will got a McDonald's gift card, and Tyler got a little stuffed mail man.



Christmas morning we opened presents. Tad and I didn't give each other gifts. I think that's most for kids. Santa brought Will a skateboard kit, where he can build two real skateboards. Tyler got a really cool art supply set with a nice wooden case. I bought them several other things. I love to buy my kids Christmas presents. I don't spend money on them for extra's stuff too much.
I was a little upset, because I had to run out, for work, so soon.
Here is a little video of one of the presents I got Tyler. I will let you know if they work as they say do.

The picture of Tyler on the exersice equipment is from our basement, we are working on making it a cool place to hang. Right now it's dark and boring.

Check out Tyler posing in front of our tree, we decorated it Friday night. Look at the cool chair we brought home for the cats. Are you jealous? You should be. They are just too cute.

Enough snow already

I am tired of snow!!! Friday I shoveled our driveway. I think it's a mans job, but my man just sat on his butt, till it was time to go to work. So to prove a point, I shoveled out the driveway. My arms, back, butt, and back is sore. I have a better appreciation for shoveling. I still say it's a man's job.

Tad dragged us to a Catholic church, talk about boring. Then he treated us to dinner, and then I took the kids to Walmart and to see the Christmas lights. They had a few live reindeer.

The verdict is in on what my job is going to arrange, so I can have Christmas morning with my family. I don't have to come in till 10 am, instead of 9am. I should just get down on my knees and kiss their ass! I am so grateful to them, all I asked for was to only work 20 hours out of the 24 hour shift, and they give me one hour off. I hope they won't be needing me for anything special soon. Well I am going to much on some Oreo cookies with milk,and get comfty, and go to sleep.

Hey all... Christmas is around the corner, but I haven't been in the mood for it. We don't have a tree up yet, because I want to do it, when Will is here. That is this weekend, so we will get it up then. I always feel like I should be doing Christmasy stuff, like decorating or baking cookies. I want to bake Christmas cookies, but when I see the recipe and the decorations, I say Fuck that!! It looks like too much work. We haven't seen the Christmas lights, but they have with Bill. So maybe it's the blah blah of why bother, they already been there, they already put up a tree.
My little Sister took Tyler shopping for Christmas for me, and said that Tyler wanted to buy his Dad mouse traps. hahahahah I probably shouldn't laugh. He needs a cat. I have one or two that I should offer up, but I won't.
Tyler received a letter from Santa in the mail. His eyes got all bright. Santa is one nice guy. Then it fell from where I put it, and when I found it. It had been chewed up a little bit by the rabbit. So Tyler's Santa letter got partly ate by a rabbit.
My clients are okay, but their health is failing. Sandy* hasn't been well and sleeps about 75% of the 24 hours. Bob* has been well, but depressed. Right when it's close to bedtime, Sandy wakes up and is ready to party. I most likely have to work the full shift on Christmas. Maybe that's why I am not much in the holiday spirit. They are working on trying to get 4 hours covered, so I can have Christmas morning with my family. Every night when Bob kisses and hugs me goodnight,he tells me to take care of myself. I feel like every night, he is saying his goodbyes. Sometimes it makes me want to cry, because Damn it don't die, and don't do it on my shift.
I picked Will up and we went to the Ymca. We worked out a little together, and he does his own thing. I soaked in the hot tub for about 10 minutes. I learned if you stay too long, you get this urge to puke!!! Then we went and played around in the activity center. Will and I did dance dance revolution. It's a little goofy, but if you don't like it, don't look.
I checked my grades online and guess what I got A's in both classes!!! I knew I did well, but wasn't expecting both classes to be A's. Damn I am good!!! I am break from school, but I am working on improving a paper that I wrote in class. I am thinking of posting it on here, but it's kind of personal. I am kind of at the point in my life that I am going to be me, and if being me bothers anyone. I really don't know what to tell you.

I believe in Father Christmas

We bought a new camera!!

Ann and me

Happy Birthday Tammy

Meet Zoey

There is a new baby in our house. She is really cute, and no you can't have my dolly.

This is a picture of my dog and my sister's dog when I took both of them for a walk. We had my kitten following us. It was so cute.

I went to school for my final. When I was finished, my teacher handed me my portfolio back. It's worth 40% of my grade. I got a 95%!!!!!!!! I knew I did well on the portfolio, but wasn't expecting an A. I am not sure how I did on my final. I don't think it was my best work. I didn't get enough sleep, because my client had a bad night. She has dementia and you never know to take her serious or not. This morning, she was talking about guys who are drinking too much whiskey, and they might be dead. She had me looking for them. I really didn't go looking for them, but I told her I would. All I wanted to do was sleep.
I can't wait to see my final grade. My English class was a pleasurable experience. My teacher was pretty cute too!! I am lucky that I can say that and my husband doesn't get all upset. I can look, but can't touch. Unless of course it's a police officer or a fireman then all bets are off. I bet you guys are thinking dirty. All I want is a hug!!!

Today is the day

My final is today. I am starting to get nervous. I didn't get enough sleep last night. My client had a bad night. When she can't or won't sleep no one gets any sleep. I am confidant that I am prepared, but what if I just blow it.

On Mondays, I have to mail my time sheets into work. There is mail there from Saturday. It's a box. It's a gift for our household. It was just what I wanted, how did they know. It was a box of tampons and other female products. How did they know that it was number one on my list. haha. Sometimes Tyler gets the mail, I can see this now. "Mommy Mommy, I got a present, and he would open it, and inside tampons. He is going to be one confused kid, and mad at Santa!!!!

looking back and forward

About 16 weeks ago, I started college at Rock Valley College. I hadn't been to school since 1995. I didn't know what to expect. I was nervous, excited, and scared. I added school to my already busy life of work, family, and my fun stuff I like to do. I only took on two classes. That is English 99 and Std 100. No I wasn't learning about sexually transmitted diseases. It was a class to prepare you to be a college student. I was a little worried if I need a class to prepare me shouldn't I just take it. How am I going to swing it till they prepare me. After the first few weeks, I learned that a lot of what to prepare me was what I already learned as a adult. That class only met once a week, but I am glad that it was there for me.

My main class was my English 99 class. We met three times a week. It was a great experience. It was a mixture of young and old students. I am only 32 years old, and I am old in the eyes of students fresh out of high school. It's amazing how time flies by. Where did the carefree days of being young go? They went away a long time ago. I had a great teacher, and he wasn't bad to look at. He was funny to be around too, but most importantly he made class worth while showing up. He was very helpful, and helped make my first college experience a positive one. He was a little bit off the wall in the way he talked sometimes, but that is what I liked about him.

We wrote a few papers on critical thinking. They really got your mind working. You had to explain what the writer meant,agree or disagree, and relate it to your own life. Sometimes relating it to your own life could be hard. Either because you can't relate, or do you really want to speak the truth of how it relates to your own life. It helped that it wasn't like grade school, and your parents were reading your paper. Or the teacher read it to the class.

Part of our course study was to read the book called, There are no children here. It was the story of two boys growing up in the other America by Alex Kotlowitz. It was a very good book, but I admit that I probably wouldn't have read it on my own. It's a true story of the childhood that the children in the book didn't get to have. The children seen too many hardships to be called children. I could sell it back to the school, but I think I prefer to keep it as a reminder of my first semester at school.

Today our portfolio of our three major papers was due. Yesterday I thought I was all ready, but decided to give all three papers one more look. I found mistakes on two of the three. One mistakes was a big goof. I misspelled the author name. That wouldn't have been cool. So I fixed the mistakes on my paper, and saved the papers again on my flash drive.Then I had to reprint the papers. Then I printed a couple pictures of my kids, my house, and my rose bush. We want a happy teacher when he is grading our papers.

On next Wednesday, we have to take a final exam. It will be the same critical thinking. We will get to choose between three quotes, and will have to explain it, agree or disagree, and relate it to life. The big difference is that we only have two hours to do this in. There won't be papers sitting in our folder, and looking it over and over. We get two hours. Our teacher will be able to help, but mostly we are on our own. It should all work out just fine.

I am not sure if I am going to continue in college. I have to work full time. I have to be a Mom, and a wife. I am a little frustrated. I don't know if I can keep my balance act. Sometimes I am falling off the horse. I can't be it all. I can't spend all my time taking care of everyone else. I can't be the major bread winner, and the only one who cares if the bills are paid or not. I want to get a degree in something, but in what? I really don't know. So if I don't know what degree I want, what classes do I take? I can't be a full time student, because I have to work. My job right now is taking care of Bob* and Sandy*, and I am not sure if it can get any better than them. They are great. The caregivers are brought in, and treated like family. Their home is my home. I can clutter my side of the table with my school work or my scrap book kit, and that is okay with them. We can put on our Pj's and read a book. We get to watch movies. Sandy's mind isn't as bright as it once was. When she wants something you better jump. You can't win a argument with her. She gets very angry. I was hit by her the other day, but later on she was sweet as pie. It's not her fault. It's the disease that is robbing her of her brain. So not only do I forgive her, but I love her and her husband. Who knows how much longer they will live. Do I make my class hours around them. Can I assume they will be living next month? After they are gone, I am not sure where my next step in life will be. Any job other than working for Bob and Sandy is going to suck. There are days that I feel so loved by them that I want to cry. How much longer can I work around people, just wondering when they are going to take their last breath. It would be much easier to accept losing them if I didn't love them. However, to experience love you have to open yourself up for the grief.

Bob* says for me to get my education, and always talks about how he is afraid for our future. He says his generation, and the generation before him left this country in very bad shape. He loves to talk, but his wife isn't much for talking. Sometimes we get told to shut up. haha. Got to love her. He has this way of saying it's just unbelievable. I guess for him all of stuff is unbelievable. He grew up in a time where you could buy a new car a car for less than 2 grand, or big house for less than 20 grand. Where your parents paid for your education, and then he paid for his kids education. Then he turned around and paid for all of his kids education. Where did those days go? I don't know. As Bob* would say it's unbelievable, it's just unbelievable. So where do I go from here? I don't know. What I do know is this. I have this crazy cat,Precious, who likes to sleep with me. Tad calls her Ms. B for Bitch haha. Not only does she like to sleep with me, but she sleeps on my hips, on my back, on my stomach, and worse yet on my pillow. Not just a small part of my pillow, she stretches out. When my husband and I toss and turn and fight over the covers, you have this cat getting pulled back and forth. She just doesn't care, and you know why? Because she is Ms. B!!! She can do that!!!!Do you know why she can do that? She learned from me. I am Ms. B's Mom after all. Don't hate the cat, because she is beautiful. Everyone this last paragraph has not been a unified paragraph. I can do that, because Ms. B is my cat!!!!

I am working on a really long post to reflect on the present, past, and future, but for now. Have a little fun.

Bitching

There is this cool place called 5 coins that has all you can eat chicken on Thursdays. I ask to have my downtime covered so, I can take my family to chicken. Tyler loves chicken!!!! It will make his week. My works calls me to tell me that a coworker and me need to switch days, because of overtime reason. There are three of us that care for this couple. Two of us work 3 days a week, 24 hour shifts. The other caregiver works one 24 hour shift, and has other clients else where.
So for me to have four hours with my family to pig out on chicken, the two caregivers who work the three days have to switch days. So that should be easy right. Well when you start switching days that means both of us working a double. That would 48 hours at my clients home. I was pissed.
All I want is four fucking hours, and can't have it, because they will have to pay more than normal. What about all the money they made for me working Thanksgiving. My clients paid probably about 500, and I get less than half. I am a good employee. I take very good care of my clients, and I don't miss work. I don't take my weeks vacation, and I am being told I can't have the downtime. I have to work a double. So instead of having a little bit of treatment of less work, and chicken. I have to spend 48 hours in a roll there. Sorry family see you in two days, but you will get chicken. Can you tell I am pissed. I told her forget about it, and then said. "when I can't have four hours off, then we got a problem" In other words keep your employee happy, or find a new one. Also since I am bitching. Where is my fucking raise, it's over a year late!!!!!! Use my raise money that you didn't pay me to pay the other girl. Okay I feel a little better now.

What makes me happy

My cute kitty that reminds me of Tigger
My children, all five of them
My cute bunny
My big puppy Ann, and little Shadow
My clients
The way Tyler waits for me at the driveway for his toll money
The way Will Dances
Working on my scrapbook to give to Ashley for when/if I meet her
Knowing that Ashley looks a lot like me.
Christmas music
That my Dad comes over for no reason
That my Dad calls for no reason
That my Mom is alive and well
That I have two sisters, and a brother
My early childhood memories
The way my husband looks at me
Working out at the Ymca
Sitting in the hot tub at the Ymca
Swimming at the Ymca
My teacher is cute and funny
I have a home, and it's mine!!!!
Tigger lived long enough to be buried in our yard
My memories of Tigger stealing chicken nuggets from the kids
My memories of Tyler chasing her for them back. haha
A pretty snowy day, like today
That my husband has a good relationship with his kids
That my husband braids my hair.... anyone jealous?
Well those are a lot of things that make me happy. They aren't in any certain order. There are things that make me sad, but not going there right now.