*¨*•☆Put ♥ this ♥ on ♥ your ♥ status ♥ if ♥ you ♥ have ♥ the ♥ most ♥ beautiful ♥ DAUGHTER ♥ in the ♥ world☆•*¨*•.¸¸¸.•*¨*•☆☆•*¨*•.¸¸ ♥ I do!

Sometimes, I feel all alone in this world as if no one gets me. No one understands what it feels like to lose your child to adoption . You can imagine, but until you have walked in my shoes you have no idea.
I was reading a book Called Stories of Adoption by Eric Blau. It has people talking about adoption from all sides of the coin. I have a lot more patient when I am reading someone's words from their own experience. If they have different views or ideas I can accept it more, because they have lived it. It doesn't mean that my views or feelings are wrong though. Or are theirs wrong.
A quote from the book who is an adoptee who searched for his birthmother and only to find her dead. After, I shared my story with someone outside of the adoption triangle, at least nine times out of ten, they will say that is interesting. To which I want to say. It goes way beyond interesting. I am telling you of a secret pain that apparently you have no concept of. It's like two people speaking a different language.
It's as if he stole my words right out of my mouth. So, if your a jerk then shut up. You don't have a clue. And that makes you a lucky person. So, go hug and kiss all of your children, because I can't.

I met with someone from Meld. If all goes well, I will be babysitting on Monday nights for about an hour while the Mom's and Dad's are in classes. I hope this goes well for me. I really like the idea of helping others. I was told the ages would range from newborn till maybe 3 or 4. They all meet for dinner and then they go to the class. It will be in a church daycare so plenty of toys for the little babies and toddlers.

A chance to make a difference

Tomorrow, I have an appointment with someone at Meld to talk about giving up some of my free time to help the program. I am really excited. I want to feel like I made a difference in someone's life. Meld offers all kinds of support for young Mom's, Dad's and their children. It gives them the support to have a start in life and I really think I like what they are about. Most likely, I will be babysitting on Monday night while the parents on in an class. I love it that it seems to be so much more than a handout. Often times, young people don't have the life skills to make it on their own and much less with a baby, but with some education they can get the start that they need. I hope I can use the experience as a learning tool with my sons. Maybe, I am even being greedy, but I hope it's something that can assist me with my loss of my daughter. I can never be her Mom, but just maybe I can help someone be a Mom. I can prevent an adoption from happening when all they need is a little support. Sadly, a lot of girls are turned away, because there is a big need for this kind of program.
P.S. If you click on the header of this post you can go to Meld's website.

We had a pretty good time at the environmental center checking out all the birds and fun stuff to do. The kids got to recycle paper and check out the other animals. Here are a few pictures that I took him my camera phone. The sign at the bear said do not feed. Do you think that's why it died?

mmmmmmmm was I dreaming last night?

Rachel and I went to a restaurant to get something to eat. We sit and talk for hours. I really enjoy her company. I am glad that she accepts me for who I am. After, we ate, she wanted some desert. So, she gets slice of pie and I got a slice of cake. She looked at me and said is this suppose to be here? I looked at it and I think it was mold. ewwwwww and then we call the waitress over to look and I start laughing. It was so funny. It felt good to laugh. We didn't end up having to pay for the cake or the pie. My cake was kind of stale. This place isn't at all on my list of favorite places to go. So, from now on, they can ask their customers, "would you like a little green stuff with that?"
Tomorrow, we are going to Atwood for some outside stuff. It should be fun. It will be better than sitting at home. As soon as it's warm out, I wanna go to the zoo!!!! Tigers, bears, lions or my!! Don't forget the zebras, monkeys, and elephants. My favorites are the cats and the bears. I just wanna hug them.
Last summer towards the end, we dd a lot of little trips and I would like to try to do that again, but not wait till the end. I just want to go and go and not think. I want to kill my mind. See beautiful and interesting things. Spend time with my husband and my family and just enjoy life.

I have been very depressed. Beyond normal depression. It's really bad. Well, anyways, my husband is always telling me that I am not the only one with a sad story and to live with it. I was reading a blog that I like to read and it said, "a birthmom's story trumps all" I really like that. And this was someone who has an open adoption. I don't know what can be worse than not being allowed to raise your own baby. To hand her to strangers and to go 18 years not knowing if she was alive or dead.

Charlie, the new dog, is so so cute. He is so friendly and playful. Ann and him just love to play. It wouldn't be so bad if they didn't want to be under the coffee table. He needs a haircut though.
I am going to spend the day with my friend Rachel. The last time we got together we just made a whole day out of it and it was so nice.
I am sorry that this blog has gotten a little boring and depressing. It's just what is on my mind.

I think I feel spring in the air. I can't wait for the fresh air that isn't cold on your skin and to see the leaves on the trees and the flowers. How I can't wait to get my hands on some flowers. Also, got to plant some tomato plants. I hope our sunflower plants come back.

My husband is too good to me. He puts up with me when I am not very nice to him. He is my rock. I love him so much.

I was wrong to kind of tell ya how it is. I am happy now!!! Everyone can relax now.

I was told that I shouldn't tell people that I am broke lol Actually I am not as broke as sometimes I make us out to be. I have a thing about wanting to have money in my bank account. I don't like it when I get under a certain amount. But Tad gives me money here and there, but it's not the same as earning it myself. And with a whole week off, my bank account will deflate like a balloon. hehe. By the way, I write what I want to write and that's just me.

I am taking Tyler to Skateland for a school's out skate. He wants inline skates and can't even skate with normal skates.
I got this ugly rash on my neck. I was wearing the necklace my husband got me. It wasn't a cheap chain. Sometimes, I want to feel pretty by doing the girly girl stuff, but my skin doesn't seem to handle it. Well, at least I got awesome hair.

I only cried for about 2 hours today so I am doing a little better. I drank last night to shut my mind off. I am so lucky the hard shit is so nasty that I can't drink too much of it. I hope I can sleep tonight.
Today, Tad gave me a pretty pink rose and a sweet card. I was so depressed that I didn't even have a clue that it was Valentine's day. I been really mean to him so it was nice that he did that.
I worked my last shift at the nursing home. I just wasn't comfortable and I hated waiting all the way till 10 pm to go to work. I could deal with a 10 pm shift if it was a longer shift. But it just sucked to be tired the next day over two hours. I am off for the next week and probably half into next week. My clients went to Florida. I am actually looking forward to the time off. It's my way with dealing with being flat broke.

I am not the only one living in so much pain and don't know to escape it. I am always being told hw lucky I am to have two sons. Does that mean that I shouldn't have any kids? How am I lucky that my life has been hell because a piece of me is missing. Should someone who loses one arm be considered lucky, because they still have one arm. Below is an example of a blog from someone who was forced to place her daughter for adoption. She has been reunited for 5 years now and ha a relationship such as a big sister. Read her pain. It's mind as well.

We are forced to walk away from our CHILDREN and people wonder why we can walk away from husbands after eighteen years. People wonder why we show no emotions. Because when it comes down to it, our anger is so raw, we are afraid of it. Or our anger is so painful nobody wants to deal with it. Or our anger makes us and others uncomfortable.

It is still there. After all these years.

I agree it's still there. It's am still so pissed, hurt, and just overall mad at myself. I have been a prisoner to it. I don't know if I will ever be happy.

I am not very happy. I am beyond sad. I hate the person that I am today. I am not the same person I was meant to be. Sometimes, I wonder if life is even worth living. I feel very alone in the world. I don't even feel like I can even talk to my own husband without him passing judgement or comparing me to someone else. It's six am and I have only slept a few hours. I am tired beyond tired, but my mind won't stop. I have to work 11 hours tomorrow and then two on Sunday and then I am off for a whole week unless they call me in. My client said that he loved me and I was like huh buddy don't go there. I can't afford to feel anything for you. Great guy and all.
Sunday, is my night at the nursing home. I tried and tried to just deal with the staff, but it's not worth it. They can keep their little bit I get paid for working two hour shifts. I feel bad for the guy, but I got to do with what is best for me. And pissing off a bunch of bitches at the nursing home in the late evenings isn't going to be good. Have you ever been around family and friends and you still feel alone? That's how I feel. Like Tad and I are living two separate lives. It's like we are both on separate tracks that run side by side. We are living our daily rat race of a life but never meeting.

I am so proud of my home. However, sometimes it's expensive to keep everything going. We have been dealing with a leaky pipe and it was driving me nuts. We have home warranty on our house that fixes quite a bit of stuff, but it does costs us each time we have a service call. So, finally, today, I called and just gonna spend the money. I have a plumber working on it right now. He went to go get a pipe. It's for reasons like this that I want better for my kids. I know I have a home and we are not starving and there is people much worse off, but I don't want my kids to sweat over 60 dollars or sweat over feeling guilty if they miss a school event, because they have to go work. Or taking the time off, but not really being able to afford it, but do it anyway. I just want better for them.

We are sure getting a lot of snow and it makes our dogs come in all wet. Then, they crawl all over me and get me wet. I probably smell like a wet dog, but it could be worse and not have dogs at all.

I am addicted to pistachios nuts. I just can't quit eating them. I can see it now. I will be broke and living off the streets, but I will have my nuts. hahahahahha

adoption or should I say no adoptions here

I don't talk about adoption much on here, because I think it might make my Mom feel weird,because she knows I blame her. But anyways that's not my point. Actually I am so excited. I am tired of sitting around and wishing my life would have been different. What is done is done and I can't change it.
However, I decided I want to do something. I really want to get involved in making a difference in young peoples life. So I made a call to organization that is supporting young parents. I am expecting a call back, but from the sound of the first person they really need some help. So, I think soon, I will be babysitting for them. What I understood is that they need people to babysit while the Mom's and Dad's attend classes. I am so excited. Not only in a small way to I get to help people, but I get to spend time with little kids. Yipee. I can't wait to learn more about them and get started. Also, I can bring Tyler and he can help.

Remember how I used to talk about Bob and Sandy. I used fake names for privacy reasons. I don't remember if I blogged how Bob has died. Sandy is going to be 99 this month and this past Sunday, I decided I was going to go visit her even though it's hard on me. Well, Sandy has been moved to Arizona where her son's live. I am sorry that I didn't get to see her one more time, but at least she is near her sons.
I got to thinking how even though, I have been with the same clients for about three or four months now that I don't talk about them here or too much at all. I like them, but it's not the same. We have some good times and we all have our moments where we use humor to make the time a little better. However, I won't allow myself to get close to them. I like them and I enjoy their company, but I think of them more as a paycheck. I know that sounds bad, but it's true. It doesn't mean that it's all I think about. I am just not allowing myself to care and love them. It's a very comfortable work environment and I get spoiled with lots of dinners out. But it's not the same. I don't think it will ever again. I will never forget the day that Bob was looking at me and I seen the love in his eyes. There was no denying how he felt for me. Or will I forget how I treat Sandy as a queen. If she wanted it, she got it. Even though sometimes I had to pull fast ones because Bob didn't want her having too many sweets. Also she could play a mean game of scrabble even at the age of 98.

˙ɐɥɐɥ ˙ʎppɐp puɐ ʎɯɯoɯ oʇ ǝɯoɥ ɹǝɥ puǝs uǝɥʇ puɐ ɹǝɥ lıods uɐɔ ǝʍ ˙ǝlıɥʍ ʇɐǝɹƃ ɐ uı ǝɔuo ʇısʎqɐq uɐɔ ǝʍ ǝqʎɐɯ ǝsnɐɔǝq 'sn ɹoɟ 'oslɐ ˙ɹǝɥ ɹoɟ pǝʇıɔxǝ os ɯɐ ı ˙ǝɹǝɥ ʇsoɯlɐ sı lɹıƃ ʎqɐq s,uǝɾ ǝʌǝılǝq ʇ,uɐɔ ı
˙op ı uɐɔ ʇɐɥʍ ʇnq ˙ǝɯoɔuı ǝɥʇ pǝǝu ı ǝsnɐɔǝq 'pɐq ooʇ s,ʇı ˙ǝƃuǝʌǝɹ ʇǝƃ oʇ op ʇɥƃıɯ ʎǝɥʇ ʇɐɥʍ ɟo pıɐɹɟɐ ɯɐ ı ʇnq 'op ı puɐ ǝsnqɐ ʇɹodǝɹ oʇ pǝɹınbǝɹ ɯɐ ı ˙uıɐƃɐ ǝɯoɥ ƃuısɹnu ǝɥʇ uı ʞɹoʍ oʇ ʇuɐʍ ʇ,uop ı ʇɐɥʇ qoɾ ʎɯ llǝʇ oʇ pǝpıɔǝp ǝʌɐɥ ı ¡ʎzɐɹɔ uǝǝq sɐɥ ʞɹoʍ ʎɯ