I am all smiles. Not sad nope not me.

I hate school!! It's not going as well as last year. I have a paper due in two hours and I got to hope that after I write this that I can pull it off. I don't know if it's the teacher or me, but I just don't understand what he wants, or I got a idea, but I just can't get the words down.
I dropped off my time sheets at work and I was just given a 55 gallon tank. I am not sure if it's just the tank or some of the supplies. It is pretty dirty, but I might just bring it home and see what I can do with it. If it don't work out that will be okay too. Well got to start writing my paper. Helpppppppppp

I found a way to make exercising in my basement a little more fun. Last night, while working out on my equipment, I had a drink to get a buzz and I was playing Mario. I didn't even get hurt. Okay I did fall on my ass, because someone left a toy car with wheels on the floor. I also have been at the Y three times to work out and enjoy the hot tub after wards. Does exercising cancel the bad effects of drinking? haha

Andrew's Daddies gave me a laugh today. For people that really know me.. if you read their last post about their little boy.. you will see why I think it's funny. http://mytwodaddies.blogspot.com/

Tad doesn't really like the little kittens. He throws them outside to get them out of his hair. I come home from work and I seen two little kittens in his car. They showed him if he is going to kick them out then they will just live in his car. hahahaha i got to love my kitties. Okay I got to love my husband too. I tried to kill him, but it didn't work. LoL just kidding.

I went to class, but we had a sub and she cut class short, so I decided to take Ann for a walk. We came across a street called Big Dog Rd.It's not everyday you see a road named after your dog. I tried to take a picture of the sign, but my phone on my cell isn't good enough. My camera still isn't fixed. We walked all the way to Pizza Hut. Inside, I had a couple slices of pizza and a soda. We put Ann in the car and when we came out, we didn't see Ann. She was on the floor of his car. I would have been so upset if someone stole her.
My clients are doing okay, but really slowing down. I am amazed that they are still kicking. Bob is depressed over his pain and the idea that death is close.. Sandy seems the strongest. she gets weekly massages from a therpist once a week now at the price a 75 per hour. Her mind is slipping . she some some crazy stuff. The last was that there was a big black bird in the bathroom. What is really funny is that she didn't seem bothered by it.

My ex husband called me within two hours of hearing that his Aunt died in a nursing home. I find it a little odd that even though we are apart that he feels that he needs to pass on this information. I guess he should tell me, because we have kids together. However, I don't think the kids will really remember her much. I didn't see the need to call him when my uncle passed away. I guess it's because he really didn't know my family. Hell I really don't know most of my family. Sure we visited once a twice a year growing up and would see him at gatherings. But as of late the only family gatherings with Aunts and Uncles is a funeral. Sometimes I wonder why even go to the funeral. If we don't find time for them in life why find the time in death. Also why when someone is living they are a shit, but when they are dead they are the saint. When I die I want someone to stand up there and say she was a Bitch!!!

seat belts save lifes

My very good friend Rachel and her family were in a car accident Saturday morning. There were five of them in the car, and three out of the five were hospitalized. The child was let go yesterday. My friend Rachel and her Mom are both in the hospital still. Rachel is mostly okay, except a broken ankle that is being fixed this morning. She is feeling very bad, because she was driving. Her Mom, the one who yelled brace yourself is hurt the most. She is pretty banged up. I believe both will be okay. So a friendly reminder that seat belts and air bags to save lives. However, the two in the front were the ones hurt. So, lets all start driving in the back with the children. Also no bracing yourself for a accident, just keep your eyes closed and you won't get hurt as bad when I crash my car. I visited her in the hospital the night it happened and I was proud of myself I didn't laugh until they gave her meds and poked her and then checked the braclet to see if they had the right person. I felt like saying sleep with one eye open.. these nurses are crazy. Luckily my friend knows me so she didn't mind me laughing at the nurse.
The brand new car was destroyed, but that's ok. They can get a new one, but Rachel and family wouldn't get a reset button if they were destroyed.

Off the subject of my friend Rachel. Tad told me about a dog that needs a home. It's a rot mix he said. I got to give him credit for saying no. The pet lover in me is saying bring him over, but I got to stay strong. One household can only do so much. We can't save them all. I think if we get any more animals we will end up on the news. We will be the crazy people with 30 pets. :)

I am off from work for the next two days!! It doesn't come without a price though. I will be working a double shift this weekend. I will go in at 9 am Saturday morning and not come home until 9 am Monday morning. I offered to help, because a co worker's son is getting married.

Wisdom straight from me. (and a few friends) Verily I say unto you, Money. It can buy a house but not a home. It can buy a clock but not time. It can buy you a position but not respect. It can buy you a bed but not sleep. It can buy you a book but not knowledge. It can buy you medicine but not health, It can buy you blood but not life. It can pay the therapist but does not make you sane. So you see money is not everything and it often causes pain and suffering. So, my friends and family members, let me do you a favor. Send me all your money and things should work out with you and yours. I would be honored and would suffer to take the burden of money off your lives.

This is a joke, but think about it.

I husband wrote this beautiful blog as he calles it. I am posting it, because I want to comment on it and this is my way of blogging.
I agree money isn't everything. Money doesn't buy happiness. Money can and does provide me with my home. I admit just a home alone doesn't make me happy. However, giving my children and myself the security of always having a home does make me very happy. I could live on the streets and hold a sign and send all my animals to the pound. If there is anyone who believes that fighting over money is crazy and you should just give in to avoid a fight I have a challenge for you. Spend the next five days living as if you only had ten dollars to your name. See how long you can last? I think it would be very difficult. Money sure makes the world go around. Anyone up for the challenge?

Divorce is happening more and more since it's more socially be accepted these days. It doesn't mean that divorce is easy on the kids. It's also not easy when their parent get married again. Respect is a two way street. I don't think a child whatever their ages are 9, 14, 20, or 25 should hear that their other parent is a pussy, asshole, slut, and just plain always talking shit. If the new step parent is so hot all they have to do is put their best effort into the relationship and if the other parent is truely bad for some reason then they will see that on their own. They don't need the step parent trashing them. Also, just because the step parent as different ideas on raising kids.. it doesn't mean that the other parent is wrong. Respect is a two way street. Yes, the step parent is the adult, but the step parent is the intruder in their life. Also remember, I can call my sister a bitch but you better not. My sister would beat me up, but no one else was allowed. So, I can call my parents a shit, but people shouldn't be calling other parents a shit.

******* edit I am not calling anyone names here. It's just a example on how I feel about others talking bad about their family. I just figure if someones family is good or bad they know it and they don't need others talking bad.

The person who should be thinking about my feelings the most said the worse possible thing to me last night and other nights. He said that because I allowed William to live with his Dad that it is very simliar to me placing a child for adoption. He said, Will feels like I gave him up. I am tired of him telling me how someone feels. It makes me very hurt and angry that shared custody and a adoption can be compared. Maybe today I will pick up my daughter for dinner. Or maybe I can take my son to dinner. I can't just pick up the phone or see my daughter. It's bad enough that I already been having a real hard time lately and they had to throw this into the mix. I know shared custody and adoption can't be compared and I don't believe Will feels this way, but it makes me very sad.

Since Easter is around the corner, I thought I would pass on some information that I think is worth the time. Around Easter time, some parents love to on the spur of the moment by their little kids cute, fuzzy little bunnies. I am not talking about stuffed. I mean the real deal. Your kids will not take care of the bunnies, because they are more work then most people think. Bunnies aren't like a cat or a dog.
I have had seven bunnies. Three of them have died. I have four now. Out of all seven of them, only one of them came from a pet store. My husband brought RabbitRabbit to me, because I was sad. She is the only cute baby bunny I have ever owned. However, bunnies grow up. Then people drive them to the pound. The other six bunnies came to me as shelter bunnies. I paid a small adoption fee and keep them till the end. Not all my bunnies are even that friendly, unless they are hungry lol. So people think twice before you buy a baby bunny. I do know they are cute. Anyone want to see some pictures?

homeless and hungry

I did something a little crazy tonight. I went to the Ymca just for the hot tub, because I really needed the relaxation I get from it. I am coming home and on the 6th street exist. A lot of times I see men claiming to be homeless and hungry. You know will work for money. I guess I have just gotten used to it, because I see it often.
Tonight, I seen a young girl. She must have been about my little sisters or my step daughter's age. She was a pretty young lady. It made me very sad. I know it's not right, men and women should equally have food, clothing, shelter and stuff, but a young girl is much harder to swallow.
I want to know where is the family? I am not sure I could ever turn my children away. I didn't stop. I didn't have cash. What was I gonna say... do you accept debit? It's just so sad. I am not sure that I would stop, because I don't trust. What if it's a trick to get someone to help and then they get ya. Either way it just makes me very sad.
I am sad for the girl. I am sad for most common people. Most of the population is just a few pay checks away from homeless. What can we do? I got to ideas to start. We shouldn't use the U scans at Hilander and Walmart. Those machines have taken jobs away. Also, if a company like a cell phone, tv service is working from another country take your money some where else. Our young people are standing on the streets and we are making business rich.

Read at your own risk

Read at your own risk.

I have been informed that my blog has become bitter. I agree some posts are bitter, but I believe others are just me talking about my life and just being me. However, the adoption posts are me too.

17 years ago, I had a child and my Mom forced me to place her for adoption. She had already chased one child away, so she couldn’t chase me away to raise my daughter. There would have been no one left to babysit my brother and sister. As a two parent working household, I can understand that it is sometimes hard to find people willing to babysit, but never is the older child’s sole responsibility. My Mom chose to send my daughter away so I could continue to raise her kids. So am I bitter? Yes I am. Mom I want to know where was my counseling or my legal advice? Did you provide me with any support?

My Dad chose to do nothing. He didn’t come to see me or the new baby. He didn’t try to help me raise my daughter. I wouldn’t be young and broke forever. He counts out his grandchildren and had the nerve to look me in the eyes and say “I only have one 17 year old granddaughter. “ Why not hit me instead. It felt like a punch in the stomach.

I was told not to tell my younger brother and sister, because they were young. I can understand, but at what point did people choose to tell them about my daughter and not inform me?

My stepmother was the only person who had the balls to ever speak of Ashley. She used to say what my Mom did was wrong. If we had a lawyer we could go get her back. This went on for a few years. Now if I thought of me and only me. I would have loved to take her back if I thought I had a legal leg to stand on. However, since I didn’t and don’t think of me and only me. I wouldn’t rip my daughter away from the people who became her parents. I wouldn’t do that to my daughter.

I continued to live with my Mom for the next three years. Not once was my daughter mentioned. Not once did my Mom do anything to try to help me with my grief. Okay I lied. She let me get Tigger. She moved from one place to another and always made sure I could bring Tigger. She died about two years ago, so my Mom did her one thing. She did nothing else to help me. Yes Mom I am talking to you. You sent my daughter away and forced me to live as if she never existed. Did you ever stand up for me and try to get pictures for me? Or did you tell Mary not to give me the one she did give me? While I am asking questions.. How do you know she went to a good home? Do you get visits or pictures?

Even after I moved my family has never spoken of Ashley. It’s as if she never was born. I have lied to my brother and sister, because I thought I was still keeping the secret. However, the joke was on me. I am tired of being quiet. I am tired of playing the happy daughter, wife, mother, and sister. I am hurt and angry.

I am having a hard time dealing with the fact that Ashley is almost 18 years old. Wow! Oh my fucking god, am I going to get to meet her? Will I be able to have a relationship with her? Will my boys get to know her? Shit! What are my kids going to think of me and that Ashley is real.

I worry about Ashley. Has she had a good life? Is she happy? Does she laugh at crazy shit like me? Does she have a brother? I think so. Aunt Mary let that slip years ago. Suddenly their unability to have children was cured. I wonder did they do a good job of not making her feel as second best? I worry that she will die and I will read it in the newspaper. I wonder does Ashley wonder about me? Has she wanted to meet me and was told no? I wonder if I seen her at the grocery store would I know that I was looking into the face of my child. Can anyone imagine the fear of not recognizing your own child?

Let’s talk about her parents. They paid a huge adoption fee to become her parents, but that is beside the point, unless I get into the moral of adoption. Adoption can’t be moral if people are making money. The adoption happened and they are legally her parents. I have no legal right. I understand that. I personally loved Ashley’s Dad. He showed me compassion when no one else did. I can imagine Ashley having him wrapped around his little finger. I don’t have any proof of this. Maybe it’s how I cope. I have been mad over the years, because they made promises to a young girl and didn’t keep them. Was it legal? Yes. What is moral? No. I have contacted them in a letter asking for a picture. They choose to ignore the letter. I didn’t even get a bug off letter. I don’t understand what they are so afraid of. What am I going to do? Go to their house and kidnap her? If I go with me and only me. I would sell my parents to have a day with Ashley? Am I mean and cruel? Yep. But it’s the truth. I might even throw in my husband. The desire to see and know my daughter is so strong. I have to live with it. I have to do what is right and wait for Ashley to come to me. Why do I have to wait? Legally I just have to. But morally I am going to do what is right for Ashley. I don’t have a lot to go on with what is right for Ashley. It has really bothered me that I trusted them to raise her and they can’t even trust me with a picture and give me a general idea on how she is doing.

I feel like they got what they wanted and the hell with anyone else. I guess that was the adoption way in the 90’s. Pretend it was your own child so don’t ever see or talk of the birthparents. Don’t send pictures, because she might take the baby back. I can’t be too angry with them. They couldn’t get past the desire to have a child that they stepped on the first young girl. I can be angry with my family, because they threw me to them. I just hope that they were the best parents and Ashley can find a little room for me. Not as Mom, but as her friend. Will I want to share her with anyone else? I probably won’t want to. You all can just keep pretending she wasn’t born.

Since this blog is becoming bitter, I am going to try my best to make this my last adoption related post. I will do my husband a favor and keep silent. I will keep on playing the happy wife, mother, daughter and sister. Just remember just because someone puts on a happy face, it doesn’t mean you are seeing the real them. You all can have the fake me now. I am happy now. Can you tell?? The bitch of what my husband says is just don’t talk about it. Let’s not bring it up. Don’t dwell on it. Well someone tell me how you have a child and don’t dwell on it. So, this blog maybe bitter sometimes, but hey it’s mine. I write about other things too. My last thoughts are it’s mine! If you don’t like what you read you can do either two things. 1. Don’t come back here. 2. Skip over the parts you don’t like.

P. S. Parents make mistakes, but my Dad called me twice while I was at work.

I think I didn't get my rule book. It seems that some people get to live by one set of rules while others get to do the things I am told not to do.

We bought a couple gold fish. We have been told that gold fish can't live in a heated tank, but we are going to try anyways. I figure since they are feeder fish it's okay to try. If they live in my tank then I saved them from being food. One of them is kind of big. I love big. Big dog. Big fish. Big Bunny. The big bunny don't even like me very much. If I get too close to his cage or his bud he does. ggrrrrrr Damn he is cute though.
I skipped school today. I just didn't feel like going. Sometimes I have so little energy. I am tired of going to work three days and school three days. So I just skipped. I am riding this semester out and then calling it quits. I can't work full time and go to school. I just don't have it in me. I have too many things on my mind. School isn't really one of them.

I need a tool belt

We have been owning our own home for almost two years. We haven't made any changes yet to make it feel like us. I thought about refacing my kitchen cabinets, because they stick. I loved the cherry colored wood. Sears wanted about 4 grand to do the job. After thinking about the 4 grand, I really like my cabinets. I would still love the new ones if I had a rich Daddy lol
We need/want new windows, but Window World won't do any if they can't do all four. I won't even think of attempting to rip out windows and put new ones in. I guess that's why they can run their business that way. So still wanting to do some remodeling and not being a person that has ever done anything like that before. I am going to work on my basement. We have a storage room that is more like a huge fucking junk drawer. So, I am going to refinish my storage room. Step 1 is to get rid of all the junk. Step 2 is to save all the stuff that I just can't part with in some storage bins.
Step 3 is to measure the room and see if I have enough vinal flooring to put it down. Step 4 is to put up some walls. Step 5 is to put up a ceiling. I don't know what reason this room will serve. Maybe it will be some space for Will. Maybe it will be just a place to hang out. Maybe it can become a room to house animals for our petting zoo lol Maybe I will fail and it will be my Fuck up room. But the best part is that this house is ours!!! I can do what I want. I will take a ax to the walls if I want. It's ours!! Okay it's ours and the bank's. But it sure does give someone a good feeling when they can fix or improve something, because it's theirs. This project might take me a while to complete, but it's something that I want to do. Who wants pictures along the way? Well if you do tell Tad to take the camera to be shipped. lol.
Well I got to get ready. My friend Rachel is picking me up and we are going to hang out and talk about girl stuff. Men do you want to know the secret why your not invited on a girl outing? How in the hell are we going to talk about you if your with us?? :)

Bob and Sandy need to eat more fish for their eyes or actually take some fish oil pills. I made salmon patties and that crap smelled worse than a dead dog. It was gross!! I about threw up just trying to prepare it. They liked it. However, I wanted to say just take the damn fish oil pills!!! I want to stomp my feet and say I am not cooking stinky fish. How can you eat that crap? ewwww Instead I am good girl and say that it's good that they enjoyed their dinner. I am on my normal two day weekend. I am not sure I will keep on being a caregiver once my clients are dead.
Sorry for my previous post, the REAL me came out.

How come teenagers can't sign any contract, but they can give their children up and aren't provided a lawyer to protect them from their parents?
How come adoptive parents are so scared that they can't risk sending a picture to the birth parents to the child they adopted?
How come people lie to you to get your child? Oh yea... they want the child and not you!

What are they so scared of? Hmmmm let me think.. I am going to go to their house and bring Ashley home and give her a computer chip for her head and she will be mine again
How come children get adopted and the family never speaks of the child and loss again? Oh.. I know if we don't talk.. we can pretend we didn't help a lawyer make a quick buck!!
How come no one has ever bothered to call on Ashley's birthday to see if I am okay? Maybe we can eat some birthday cake together!
Why do people have to be so cut and dry? Is it hurting anyone if I still refer to Ashley as my daughter?
Why are adoptive parents so scared of the birth parents? Maybe someday I can reunite with Ashley, but if you raised her right what do you got to lose? You will always be Mom and Dad. Even if they were a total fuck up.. like some parents.. they will still be Mom and Dad.
My biggest question is going to be... What happens if I reunite with Ashley? Is everyone who chose to never speak of her suddenly going to come out of the closet and want to know her? Well I will be honest if Ashley wants to know people.. I will do my best to keep my feelings out of it, but I think most people should just bug off. I am not going to want to share... so bug off. Will you all want a picture? Well let's not go there. Can't spare any of my time for pictures.
I want to know why after 17 years am I such a huge threat to the adoptive parents? Do they still think I could kidnap her? Well I guess I can't blame them for their fears, but I can be pissed. Get over it!! Oh wait that is what everyone has told me. If anyone doesn't like my true feelings go ride off on a horse and don't look back.

I returned to work

My vacation was wonderful!! I think the best part was sleeping in. I was able to spend lots of time with Tyler and a little extra time with Will. I seen Tad a little more than I would have liked. Come on people start ordering some pizzas again. Who cares that Pizza Hut's pizza are overpriced. lol

I had a full ten days of waking and sleeping in my bed. It was just wonderful. I don't think too many people understand what it is like to work a 24 hour shift until you do it or something close. Before my vacation, my job trained this lady to work Monday's and to use her for my vacation. When I trained her she thought shit working 24 hours and what I special treat. Work a day and make your money and run. Well she quickly learned you don't get paid a hourly wage. It actually comes down to less than 4 an hour.

So, she works my days that I am gone. I come back yesterday, I swear she about got on her knees to thank me for coming back. She said I don't know how you do it. I don't have any young kids and it's just me and this is too much. I don't think I want to work this live-in shift anymore. I think I will change my availability to just overnights. She said, at least when your sleepy your in your own home. You can open the window or play music or go for a walk. My company doesn't have a hard time to get people willing to work the live- in arrangement. They have a hard time keeping people willing to keep working it. I kind of agree with her. If I wasn't so committed to Bob and Sandy I would be right behind her. The job is just plain nuts. We have a lot of nervous energy. just waiting for the day a fall is the final fall or when you check on them in the morning they are dead. Both of my clients seen a little worse off than they were ten days ago. However, they tend to bounce between I am almost dead to okay I am feeling better. When Sandy seen me yesterday morning her face lit up like she was a kid on Christmas day.
Sandy* got a massage from a therapist at the cost of 75 per hour. I am in the wrong job. Bob* is asking me what the end is like? Well Bob* I don't know what the end is like, but don't end it on my shift.

Tyler is selling chocolate for his school. I know we all pay property taxes, but he loves doing it. He has sold ten bars already. So people come buy candy from Tyler. We hit Denny's up, we sold to the waitress and Uncle Leo.