I am not taking peoples shit anymore. I have gotten into two situations where I am not laying down anymore. Fuck with my kids and I am not taking it. Fuck with a client of mine and I am not taking it either. I am sick of peoples lack of care. I don't care if you only make nine an hour and you don't feel that you are being paid your worth. It doesn't give you a right to snap at people and to move them roughly and then try to say your doing it the proper way. I am not putting up with it. I don't feel that I am paid my worth, but I am not cruel to my people. If they don't want to take care of people then get another fucking job. I don't care what you do. Just stay away from children, the disabled and the old people. Also stay away from my pets. I wouldn't trust these people to watch my dog. I am pissed!!!!! There is no excuse for the things that I have seen in the nursing home. It's fucking horrible. Bail me out if I attack someone.

Does anyone remember how I used to talk about Bob and Sandy? Well, I mentioned Bob has died. Sandy outlived two husbands. She will be 99 next month. I was personally asked to come to the funeral. I bought some new clothes, because I want to look nice. For Christmas my husband bought me a necklace with a cross and I bought me some eaarings. I want to be perfect. It's going to be so sad being around his family again. I was always treated really nice and was at home with them. I really miss them. I didn't go see Bob and Sandy, because it was just too hard. So, I am hoping it doesn't send me into a depressing state again. I am broke and can't buy myself out of it. hehe.
Rest in peace Bob. You and your wife touched me in a very special way. My memories of our two plus years will live on in me. I hope you knew how special you really were to me. I think you knew. I will never forget the day, you told my company that you were concerned for what would happen to me when we knew our time was coming to an end and you said, "We love each other"
Good bye my friend. I will always love you and your sweet bride.

The owner of my company called me about a shift and needed to fill this new client right away. So he asked me what could I work. I am going to pull a 14 hour shift for someone on hospice and the owner is driving me because it's far away and they just know that I will get lost. Am I good or what? I am either good or they ran out of others. haha

I am good at what I do

My little brother called me today. He received a call from someone looking for me. He has my old number. So, I call the person and it was Bob's son. He was informing me of his Dad's passing and I admit I didn't contact him, because I just don't know what to say. So, anyways, he was calling to ask me a favor. He asked me to help Sandy get ready for the funeral and to be there for the lunch at the club. They asked me because I was one of the favorites and probably because I was with them a long time. He offered to pay me, but I really don't care about that part. I feel so honored to help. Also, the good news is that when someone told me that Sandy's mind was gone, it wasn't true. She is doing well in the nursing home.
I admit after losing them as clients, I stayed my distance. I did talk to Bob about a month ago and let him know that I was thinking of him. The loss of them in my daily life was really hard. I am still a caregiver and do a good job, but I am trying not to get so close. It's hard, because the elderly so great. I can't help but have a good time. I have been told that I bring humor. I make them laugh.

I didn't sleep well. I really thought I would have been taking care of Bob until one of them died. Also, Bob's goal was for Sandy to stay in her home and then I would have still been taking care of her. Oh how fast things changed. Rest in peace Bob! I never loved an old man like I did you. I don't think I will allow myself to ever get that close again.

For over two years, I worked as a live in caregiver for Bob and Sandy. That's not their real names though. It was hard working such long hours but I had never felt so much love from a job. During the summer my company raised their rates, because they didn't believe it to be safe for us to sleep while they slept. It was because Sandy wasn't sleeping. Sandy ended up being placed in the nursing home to save paying the high costs and he ended up staying home. Bob totally cut our company out and cut all the things Sandy was used to. Sandy dementia got much worse and they were seperated. It was so sad. Bob couldn't get past the idea that he needed to leave money for his son and his kids even though they were all very sucessful. It's sad, but Bob had a long life. He has passed away at the age of 98 years old. Sandy will be 99 in Feb. and he would have been 99 in june. I think this country is too big on rules and not on compassion. The move didn't need to happen. I believe Bob would still be alive if he wasn't forced to live away from his wife. They did have a good life. They each had two great loves. They married at 80 years old after each one lost a spouse after a long marriage. I will never forget the sweet moments of love that I was privileged to witness like him resting his head on her lap or them holding hands. I miss him and I miss her.

Who wants to see some pictures of our decorating OUR house!!! It's a awesome feeling to be able to do some of the things that for years I really wasn't able to do. Will and Tyler helped decorate. My mother n law made some handmade stockings to hang and brought some gifts for us. She was really sweet! She doesn't really know us very well, because she doesn't live close to us, but she did it anyway.
I am in the mood to, maybe try to make some home made Christmas cookies! Yum! But who knows if I will actually do it. I will need some elves aka Will and Tyler to help. Life is sweet. I love all of my kids!!! :)
I can't wait for Santa to come, because I plan on kissing him! Now, who wants pictures???

Jen's baby shower tomorrow!!!! I can't wait for the baby girl to be born. I am excited for Jen, because she is going to be a Mommy!! Maybe if I am lucky, I can baby sit and buy baby dolls for her.

I tried really hard to find my doll or a green or red dress for Christmas. I did end up finding something for them though. Want to see pictures of my doll children? Too bad. I don't care if you said no.

Next Sunday, I get the pleasure to go to Jen's baby shower!! I can't wait for the baby to be born, because newborns are so so cute. I am going to go out and shop for the shower. Plus, I am the hunt for a Christmas dress for one of my dolls. It's the fancy red headed doll. She was too much money, but she really wants a dress for the holidays. I draw the line at getting her a new one though. I am crazy, but not that crazy!
I gave away one of my bunnies. I felt bad. I am not so sure that it was the right thing to do. I almost took him back from her before she could leave. Then, I was almost tempted to get me a baby bunny from this idiot that doesn't know how bunnies are made. I got to thinking, well if I get a girl bunny, she can be friend with rabbit rabbit. But then I came to my senses and I am just tired of all the rabbit poop! They poop a lot. But when my boy bunnies kiss it's so sweet. They love each other.

My husband brought me some really pretty purple roses. I love him very much!

My Day

Tyler and I hung out with my Dad for a little while at Denny's. Sometimes, I get too busy with my job, kids, and husband and life in general and I don't always have time for family. Sometimes, my Dad is a pain. haha. He made Tj cry,because he told him he had to drink water. He was just kidding, but I think Tyler was so shocked he didn't know what to do. What's nice about my Dad is that he calls. I don't ever question if he loves me or not. I know he does. If too much time passes he will call just to see what I am up to. Parents can fuck up, but there is always time to fix it. I am not going to pretend that I am perfect Mom or that I didn't mess up, but I keep trying to do what is right. Sometimes, I have a hard time figuring out what to do with boys. I can only fake being interested in games for so long. Tyler learned how to play War from his Aunt Michelle and we played that yesterday. I won!! I am the champion!
Then, I went shopping and seen a cousin of mine and I pretended not to notice him. I am not going to tell which one I seen. I just didn't feel like faking it. He didn't do anything wrong, but we just grown apart. I bought our Turkey!!! Since, no one was willing to be it!!! Then, I got lost taking Tyler to tutoring and lost coming home. I am glad that I have my husband who helps me when I get lost. Otherwise, I would still be driving in the rain. My kitty cat has been puking like a human. I mean really flying puke! Well, I got to go my husband is home. Wait till I show him the Turkey he is cooking. mmmmm

William had a pretty good party. I ended up bringing a child that couldn't stop talking. He drove me crazy! I personally think it was awesome that he had both his parents and one of his Grandma's there. Divorce happens but there is no reason why we can't deal with each other. We had it at Pizza Hut and I was shocked to see a benifet that was being held for my Aunt Judy who died. It's not something you expect to just see. I guess it's just a reminder that extended family are just people who you once knew. A lot of my fond memories of a kid was hanging out at my aunts house but I guess we out grow them. It's kind of sad. Well, anyways Will had a nice party and Tad won money on a ticket so the pizza bill was paid for.

Wish William a happy birthday!!! He is 15 today!!! Bring him presents now! :)

This is how Tyler feels about books. Or maybe we can use them in a fire to stay warm. Or we can feed it to the dog or let the bunnies have them as toys. Bunnies got to play ya know! :) Actually, I am just having fun. Google images are very cool. Tyler is very into reading and trying to learn. He would rather do it on his own time and not on demand. But hey are we all not like that?

Tyler is a very smart boy, but he learns a little different than most kids. He needs lots of extra help. I feel that the school system has failed him. He really could have used one on one help to get some basics down to suceed in these higher grades. Not only did they not give him the extra help, but they just push him to the next grade if he is ready or not. For those who really know Tyler, knows that he has worked very hard and has come so far. Well I am not giving up. Tonight, he started some tutoring through the Life Center for free. It's one on one help. I hope this is what Tyler needs to keep moving forward with his education.
I personally think the no child left behind act, should be some children fall through the cracks, because we are too busy testing and filling out forms to notice the children in the crack. So, wish Tyler some luck as he hits the books.

I feel like a bad pet owner. I put one of my bunnies on craig list. He can't be inside, because he pee's on the floor. He litterly sprays on the floor instead of in the cage or his little box.

Today, is Veteran's day. My husband is a veteran and so I decided to do something extra around the house. So, I cleaned out the fridge. I took it apart and cleaned it. Dear husband, I am sorry, but you have to put it together. The pieces are not going back together. Opps.

When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know - take it out on someone you don't know…]

I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I had forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it.
A man answered, saying, “Hello.”
I politely said, “This is Jason Braemore. Could I please speak with Rachel Carter?”
Suddenly, the phone was slammed down on me - I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude.

I tracked down Rachel's correct number and called her - I had transposed the last two digits of her phone number. After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again…

When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled, “You're a scumbag!” and hung up.

I wrote his number down with the word 'scumbag' next to it, and put it on my speed dial. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, “You're a scumbag!” It always cheered me up!

When Caller ID came to our area, I thought my therapeutic 'scumbag' calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, “Hi, this is John Smith from the Telephone Company. I'm just calling to see if you're familiar with the Caller ID program?”
He yelled, “NO!” and slammed the phone down.
I quickly called him back and said, “That's because you're a scumbag!”

One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I had been waiting for the spot. The idiot ignored me. I noticed a “For Sale” sign in his car window… so I wrote down his number.

A couple of days later, right after calling the first scumbag, I thought I had better call the BMW scumbag too.
I said, “Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?”
“Yes, it is.”
“Can you tell me where I can see it?”
“Yes, I live at 1969 West 35th Street. It's a yellow house, and the car's parked right out in front.”
“What's your name?” I asked.
“My name is Don Hanson,” he said.
“When's a good time to catch you, Don?”
“I'm home every evening after five.”
“Listen, Don, can I tell you something?”
“Yes?”
“Don, you're a scumbag.”
Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial. Now, when I had a problem, I had two scumbags to call…

But after several months of calling them, it wasn't as enjoyable as it used to be. So, I came up with an idea. I called Scumbag #1…
“Hello.”
“You're a scumbag!” (But I didn't hang up…)
“Are you still there?” he asked.
“Yeah,” I said.
“Stop calling me,” he screamed.
“Make me,” I said.
“Who are you?” he asked.
“My name is Don Hanson.”
“Yeah? Where do you live?”
“Scumbag, I live at 1969 West 35th Street, a yellow house, with my black Beamer parked in front.”
He said, “I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers.”
I said, “Yeah, like I'm really scared, scumbag.”
Then I called Scumbag #2.
“Hello?” he said.
“Hello, scumbag,” I said.
He yelled, “If I ever find out who you are, I'll…”
“You'll what?” I said.
“I'll kick your ass,” he exclaimed.
I answered, “Well, scumbag, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now.”

Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 1969 West 35th Street, and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover.

Then I called CKVU Channel 13 News about the gang war going down on West 35th Street.

I quickly got into my car and headed over to 35th Street.

There I saw two scumbags beating the crap out of each other in front of six squad cars, a police helicopter, and news crew.

Now I feel a lot better…
I have to give credit to www.joe-ks.com

Tyler got hit in the bread basket with a flying pumpkin!!!! Too Funny!!!! I am a naughty Mommy for laughing at my kid's pain. Also, in wrong job, because old people are always trying to fall down.

My new client is starting to feel up to going out to dinner. Yesterday, we went to Lino's. It reminds me of the times I went with Bob and Sandy. Tonight, we went to the u club. Again, it reminded me of Bob and Sandy. I really miss them. They were like grandparents that I never had. I hear Sandy lost her mind and can never return home and Bob is so depressed and misses her.

I got to see ultrasounds pictures of Jennifer's little tiny baby girl. They look so real. I asked her if she has ever seen pictures from back in the day? Damn that makes me sound old.

The new milford Fire department is having it's annual pumkin smashing day. It's free and fire men are hot!!! I mean they do such a great job. It's a pretty good thing that my husband doesn't get jealous about my love for firemen.

Jennifer said that I need to blog, but I don't have too much to say.

Let's see, I did pick on my poor dog. I bought them both a bone and shadow just sits by his and watches over it with his life. Except, for when he goes outside to pee. So, I hid it from him. Yep, I am picking fights with my dog. It was so funny! He was searching for it and I was laughing. Tad was hitting me, because I was being mean to him.

Tyler is starting to get a little better in math. That's a good thing. Thanksgiving is coming up! Who wants to get together for dinner? And who wants to be the turkey? I am broke, but I have been able to see my kids more. So, it's all good.

Oh, I forgot to mention that I almost killed my brother of a heart attack. I was giving him a ride home and the road curved and my van kept going forward. Damn. I need to get a refund! If my brother was a cat. I used up one of his lives. Meow!!!

ranting about work

My company has a policy that if they give you time that is within your availability. They still own you for that time. If you know that after you see your hours that you don't want to be called then you have to say block me for whatever time and day. 

Monday, they call me at 11 pm and want me somewhere at 7 am. I said no, because I have Will here and have to drive him to school. She says did you block for the day? I said no, because I just don't think like that. I forget. Plus they don't own me right. I am not getting paid while they hope to call me in. Most days they don't. So I am pissed and plus I am not available to 8 am and tell them that on a machine. Then the next morning, i call and say block me for all the hours I am not aready working. However, with about 12 hour notices I can work. But I need to be able to say yes or no. 

They call me the next day. Can you work an overnight? This was enough notice, but hello I don't block you call. I block you call. So I do the overnight. I am sleeping and my phone rings. It's my job. Why aren't you sleeping? Hello!! because you called me.  She said, I was just going to leave a message can you work 8 am to 11 am before your second shift client. Sure.. I can do it. 

Today, I am on my way to work. Work calls and says how are you doing? I said, ok and thought she was going to tell me that the client died. She is on hospice.  She said, we have a situation. can you pull double at such and such house. Hello!! I am on the way to another clients house! They are nuts I tell you. Just plain nuts! I wonder what will be next? Oh well!! 

Do you ever wonder?

Have you ever wondered where all the socks go? Is there this hugs mountain full of socks that got sucked through the dryer?
Or
Do you ever wonder what your pet really thinks about you? Maybe they think they own us, After all, we do tend to their every need. Your wish is my command Ann!
Or
Why when people become management.. they lose all common sense. I am on call, but I don't get paid. Which makes me wonder am I a com.fort kee,per or they my keeper.

Happy birthday Matt!!!! Hope you had a good day. Too bad I am too broke to buy you a present. Love you

Happy birthday Gary and Jennifer!!! I am starting to think of ya both more as family. I have one question how did you ever get through 18 years with your Dad and not lose your minds? :)

Ann and Tyler

Are you jealous that you don't have a beautiful dog like Ann!! Haha and a cute kid like Tyler. Am I mean? :)

Today, Tad and I received our first wedding Anniverary card from my Mother n law. It's pretty cool, but I think it called us crazy! It's okay, because we are crazy in love.
The other day, we took the dogs to the park and I got some cool pictures of Ann swimming in the river. Any one want to see them? If you say pretty please I will show you my beautiful dog!

I am frustrated with my job. I am not working enough. Only about 24 to 34 hours a week. Part of it is me. I have tried to limit the 2nd shift hours. I don't want to spend all day home and then all evening gone. I want to be able to see my kids. I have also refused to work a 3rd shift and then be at driving for work again in less than four hours. So, it seems if I risk falling asleep while driving and take all the 2nd shifts then I will get hours. If I don't risk it then I don't. I also have to question the level of care someone is going to get if I was only able to sleep two hours. Maybe it seems like a lot of whining, but why have a home and a family if you can't see them.
I am going to try and find some private clients and add to my income if I can find any.

baby girl

I am so excited!! There is going to be a new baby in my family. My step daughter, Jennifer, is going to have a baby. It's most likely a little girl. If not.. it's going to be one funny dressed boy. haha. I just can't help myself. I have to buy baby clothes.

With all my joking and admiring how cute the Firemen are, I thought I would take a moment to say how I, for one, really admire what they do. When everyone else is running from fires, they are running into them. It takes a special type of person to put their fear aside and save those from a horrible death. Have you Thanked a Fireman lately? Tad has told me how when firemen eat at his place of employment that often times, another person will pay for their meal. How sweet! It seems like a small price to pay back.

More pictures!! Hot Stuff!!!

Fire Station

We went to see two of the fire stations. It was awesome! The fire men were hot! They were friendly too. They gave us plenty of time to check them and the trucks and equipment out. Tyler asked LOTS of questions. Today, we also donated some clothes to keep Illinois beautiful.
Check out the awesome pictures.

firemen!!! Fire safety week!!! Hot stuff!!

It is fire prevention week or month. I don't remember.  The rockford fire houses are having open house to come check them out. That is the trucks and stuff. I wouldn't be talking about hot firemen!!! Saturday from 2pm to 4 pm. They are hot! opps I meant the fire is hot! Well, anyways, I for one, am glad that they do what they do.

We just got down watching Annie! It's one of my favorite movies.  I can never see it too many times. The sun will come out tomorrow!! Ok, I won't sing. Wait.. I got to go.. the baby is crying. I think she pooped her pants.

Ann

I try to walk Ann everyday. I usually fit it in before I get ready for work. When I let her out of the backyard, she runs around the porch like a crazy animal, but the funniest part of it all is that pretty much every day she smacks her head onto the door trying to get out of the enclosed porch. How many times does she have to cry cause she hurt her nose to know that door and nose don't mix well together. I guess she has beauty, but not too many brain cells left. I wonder what she smokes haha. I love my silly doggie anyways.

Life sure can be a challenge sometimes. It seems as soon as one area of life is going well something else just keeps kicking you while your down. I haven't been working too much. I was used to 72 hours a week so now being at around 30-40 hours a week it seems a little crazy. I am happy that my husband is working more, because it's given me some time to just relax.
Winter is coming and Tyler really needed some clothes. So, I bought him a few new things to hold him over until I can buy more. Check out my cute boy.

Tigers, lions, jerks, and bears oh my

Ann and I went for our normal walk. She wrestled a bear and started carrying it around in her mouth. Be very afraid of her. haha. Truth is that I took it from a box of stuff animals someone was throwing out.
I noticed some jerk was watching us on his bike. I know I shouldn't worry, because between Ann and me we could take him down and throw his bike at him. But I was scared. I didn't want him to see me go home. I started to walk to my husband's work, before he told me to just go back home and call the police. By the time, I got back home, he is no where to be seen. Unless he is the basement. I am not checking. Ann won't follow me there, because she has been trained not to. Ya should have seen me drag her down when I thought a tornado was coming. Besides, I am not going to get trapped in a basement. Let's just say that instead of Ann killing the carebear in the back yard, she is in the house with me.

I had lunch with my friend yesterday. We talked about how we met and the past. It was really nice to get out of the house. We hung out for about 4 hours lol. We had a really good time. I think everyone needs at least one really good friend. I am glad that I have one.

My Friend

I want to show off my new friend. Don't get too jealous!!

In the last couple weeks, I had just got that loving feeling back for my job. I have got past the depression of missing Bob and Sandy and have moved on. I felt like I was doing good for my new clients and was enjoying working again. I was/am putting up with all kids of crazy hours. Sometimes, I have been at work by 8 am and sometimes not there till 1 30 pm or yet even working 10pm to 8 am. I have been trying to be willing to bend over backwards for them, but I can only do so much.
My client that is on hospice moved to the next level of care. I can't take care of her anymore. No one in my company can, because we can't give meds if they are not with it enough to drug themselves. So, now I have lost 25 hours this week. I only ask for one day off that I can't work and that's the day they can offer me. Or I can take a 12 hour third shift, but then only get to sleep two hours before I work a long day that takes a hour of driving there and back. I won't kill myself and others for this job.
I have been dealing with only mostly working outside of Rockford.I guess when old people here get sick, the kids are just throwing their parents in nursing homes, because most of the people that I have seen are from out of town. I am trying to enjoy the drive and listening to music, but at what point do I say enough is enough. When a 10 hour day takes up 12 hours of my day, I feel that it's time to say no further.
Tad and I went on another road trip and I met a new friend. He was cute. I might post a picture later. Don't get jealous cause you didn't meet new friends.

Do you ever wonder what is the meaning behind a screen name or a title to something like my blog? Sometimes, I wonder and sometimes it's fun to imagine what they might mean. Mygrl4meee means that I am my husband's girl. Well, now all of you can quit wondering now haha.
It's such a beautiful, warm day out there. Ann took me for a little walk and no loose dogs came up on us. She shows her teeth to them, but otherwise she don't care about the fenced doggies. I love my puppy dog. Well, got to go to work half way across the country to make a few bucks. I am retraining a blind lady how to live on her own. Teaching her stuff. My other client is on hospice. God if you are reading, no deaths on my shift. Bye now. I just reread this and it appears that I maybe crazy! Oh well, who isn't crazy these days!!!! Love ya!!!!!!

I am slowly getting used to working third shift. I don't have a problem dropping off to sleep when I get home from work. My client that I am with now is on hospice now. She is dieing from too many years of smoking or who knows what killed her lungs. It's sad, but she is about 85 years old.

I am loving my husband more and more these days. Life has been going pretty good. I think he is a keeper!!!! I have to chase all the other girls away though. Just kidding. I don't have to worry.

How much is that dolly in the window?

When I seen this doll at the doll shop, I just had to have it. All I could see was the red hair and I thought it might bring my husband memories of Jennifer when she was little. I don't think it does, because of the curls, but anyways I just think this doll is so cute. She needs a name though.

I made it through Ashley's 18th birthday. It was hard, but not as bad as last year. I released 18 balloons over the river at the Ymca to celebrate all on my own. Then, I took a little walk and just thought to myself. The night time was the worst.
Today, we took a road trip and had a good time. Will was with us and everyone got along very well. We also picked up my new doll who needs a name and some furniture. Now, it's time for bed.

Work has still been a little crazy. I have had to do a lot of traveling and some getting lost. However, the people that I have been going to have been great. Today, I worked with a lady that is blind. She is trying to adjust to taking care of herself. It's awesome to be a part of helping her live on her own again. She seems to understand that she can't just adjust super fast. I think she will manage and slowly improve.
There's been a couple other women that I have taken care of. They all have been so nice. There minds are pretty much all there, but have other issues. I am no longer going to the dr who was a jerk. He probably had the most money and I got to go out to dinner a lot, but what a uncomfortable place to be. I would rather hang out with someone with a little less money and bring my own lunch and be treated right. Money isn't crap if they think they are God, because they have more than you.

I thought I would post some more pictures from the other day. This place was so cool!! These are just a few of the awesome stuff from the bible that they. We went back there with Jennifer to show her. We noticed the place is for sale. The yard and the house is huge!! If anyone is taking notes, the house is on my list for Christmas presents!!! hahaha

Third shift really sucks. I think I was sleeping before I arrived home. I am not expected to do much, but be there when the clients need me. This client I just came from reported that one of the caregivers yelled at her. That isn't right. I will probably report that, because there is no excuse for not taking care of the client and yelling at them.

our day trip

I decided instead of being home and sad to run away from home. Well, not really run away, but just get out of town away from my troubles. I was so happy that I made my wishes clear and my husband was able to help me. We went on a road trip and I will be honest I didn't care where we went. Also, I didn't have a clue on where we were, but who needs a sense of direction when I can bring my husband.
I took some beautiful pictures with the camera Will gave me. Here is a few of them.

The flowers are my gift to Tad for making me so happy.

6 more days until Ashley's birthday. Anyone want any cake? Birthday cake without the birthday girl is very hard to eat. Not only is it Ashley's birthday it's crashed into the world trade centers day too!! I wonder how sharing her birthday with that horrible day affects her. I don't know nothing. I hope she has a great birthday. She is old enough to move, marry or do just about anything she wants now. It's hard to feel anything but sadness around her birthday. Someone wake me up when September leaves. I am losing my battle within myself. Not that when September leaves all will be well. It will just be one more birthday gone.

I had to have him

Tyler wanted to hang out with his aunt. So, we went to pay on my doll and I found another one that I just had to have. Well, he has already been something I wanted to buy. Yesterday, she was giving a rocking free. How could I say no.

Wake me up when September leaves. It only it was that easy.

Life has still been kind of crazy. My work still drives me nuts. I am doing a lot of driving and haven't found the perfect client yet. However, the one in Freeport has been the best.
Will is an 9th grader now and Tyler is a 4th grader now. My husband was sweet this week. He bought me a few outfits for my dolls. My top dresser drawer has more baby clothes than underwear now lol. I bet everyone wants to see my dolls!! :)

We as humans are the only ones who can choose to end lives or give them. This song is beautiful!

pictures

Check out Marty giving snacky a bath and miss B thinking she has found a comfy bed on the baby's lap.

Ashley's birthday (my daughter) is coming up next month. I am making her a scrapbook which she may or may not ever see. I am not in control of that. Well, anyways, it's been a great pleasure creating it for her.
In honor of her 18th birthday, if anyone would like to create a page for her book that would be really cool. It can be pictures of yourself and a letter or artwork. Whatever you feel like creating. Micheal's is the best place to go, because you can get just one scrapbook page for it. The size to get would be 8 1/2 by 11 inches. It's basically the middle size that they have. It doesn't matter what your family statis would have been to her if she was my daughter in the real world. It would really be special to have others included a little bit in the book, but no pressure.

Yipee!!! I think I got some hours I might just like. I will be working 40 hours in 4 days and not all stuck together. Now if I just don't get lost going to Freeport next week maybe I can breathe again.

I have to go back to work. I had a nice little break. I hope it was what I needed to feel the awesomeness of my job. It's so important for me to do something good. My husband worked quite a bit this week so that was good. I got to play. Now I have to go play a grown up! :)

I haven't been quite myself lately. I am not even sure what myself is anymore. I have been having a pretty rough time as of late. I miss Bob and Sandy so bad. After spending two years with them, I have come to love them so much. I worked with a different client this weekend and my heart just isn't in it. Also, my company is treating me as if I am on call. If it's within hours I say I can work, they expect me to jump. I can't jump so I had to tell them to block all my hours, besides the ones they gave me. Luckily, my guy has been working more this week. This has given me sometime to just deal with life. I am loving him more and more these days. He is awesome.

I am missing Ashley more and more as her birthday comes up. I have some special birthday plans for her, but she won't be there of course. It will probably just be my husband and me. I hope someday she can know that she was/is wanted and loved by me. It's hard to believe that she is 18 years old. Wow!!! She is probably so beautiful!! My biggest fear is what if she faced the same fate as me. Closed adoptions suck and I am glad that they are more of a thing of the past. I really wish I could proudly display a picture of Ashley on my wall. The last one that I have she must have been about three. I think it would help all of us remember that she is grown and not a baby. I wish her parents were not so afraid or fearful of me. I wish they would remember that I choose life!!! I would never harm "our daughter"

I was at Walmart doing some shopping and I decided to walk through the baby stuff. My step daughter is going to have a baby and I love to look at baby things and see what I might want to buy for the baby. What I seen is something that I don't want to buy, but I thought it was funny. So I sent her a picture on her phone, but she couldn't see the picture. It's a cage!! They didn't market it as a cage, but it's to keep the baby confined.




Today, when Tyler and I took Ann for a walk we seen this beautiful flower growing on our fence. I am not sure what it is, but it's beautiful and free.

I know many people are aware that I have a daughter. Ashley isn't in my life, but she is on my mind a lot. It seems as if adoption is a taboo subject. I just want to let everyone in or out of my life that adoption and the placement of my daughter for adoption isn't a taboo subject. Ashley can be discussed. If anyone has any questions feel free to ask me. I have nothing to hide.I have been working on a scrapbook to give it her. I would love to show the book off to others. I don't really expect anyone to have the same passion for the book or for Ashley as I do. For I am the only one who has walked in my shoes. Also, I know that I am the only one who really feels the pain of losing her. People can pretend to care, but the fact is that most people just won't feel the connection that I feel. I feel babies can be removed from the mother's but you can't break the connection and you can never take the love from the Mom away.

Work

I survived my first week without Bob and Sandy. Well, it hasn't really been a week, because I was there on Tuesday. I really miss them. I just love them so much. I especially miss Sandy. She was a sweetheart on most days and I felt like she needed me more. Don't get me wrong. She could turn on ya in a second, but it didn't take long for her to love me again. I am hoping they don't decide to stay in the nursing home. I do want what is best for them.
I have visited two new sets of clients. One couple, I was only there for two hours decided we weren't a good match. All because I made crappy pancakes! haha. This other couple, who I spent 26 hours with in three days seem pretty cool. The wife is the one who needs us. I really got the impression that she was afraid of me. So, I just tried to stay out of her face as much as I could. We went out to eat three times in the three days. Twice today. The places were a little more down to earth compared to where my other clients used to go. I am guessing that I will be going back there unless I hear different. The husband told me if I had known his wife when she was young and normal that I would love her. What he doesn't understand is that I love them just the way they are now. But I do understand what he means. I feel bad for him when she tells him he isn't her husband. That has got to hurt. Out of both these couples, one thing struck me as odd. They sat in recliners and couldnt easily hold hands or cuddle. Bob and Sandy were always holding hands and being together. I made Tad promise me that we won't have recliners, because I want to hold hands. I am loving Tad more and more these days. I have to be able to cuddle.

My job has be so frustrated. I am not used to not having set hours.I am not used to finding new address and getting used to new people. They have been bugging me to go to homes out and town and I don't fucking want to.They just don't get it. I get lost in Rockford. I could go out of town and never be seen again.Do they really care? No. I try and tell them that I just can't do it. Grrrrrr I am giving them about a month and see if I can handle this change.

I am learning that forgiving those that have done you wrong is more about my peace than the person who has done me wrong. It's easy to say I forgive someone,but much more difficult to really mean it.

Goodbye Martin

I haven't known you forever, but I still loved having you around. You helped me stay warm at night. You will never be forgotten and will always be missed by me and others that loved you. Rest in peace Martin boy.

I was getting ready for work this morning and my company was calling me. She informed me that our services are being canceled. I had to say goodbye to Bob and Sandy. It's all because of money. I feel so bad for them both. They are not going to get the love and attention like they are used to. I don't think they will be harmed, but they will be just a number. Today, the cna even admitted that they can't give the same kind of attention. There was three cna for 16 people and three of those people need two cna's at a time.
My work had the nerve to ask me to work tomorrow. Where is the hey Thank you for spending two years with the same people. why dont ya take a day off. I told them that I didn't want to work that I was trying to hold it all in.

This is going to be my 500th post on this blog. I am writing to inform people that Martin days are pretty much up. He would be 18 years old next month. I don't think he is going to make it. He is looking really bad. He is really my husband's cat, but I just love him the same. Anybody or thing that he loves I love.

Martin is looking pretty sick, but he is almost 18 years old and not spending hundreds to find out that he is old. I swear last night that he was lying in the bathroom dead. I was afraid to touch him to find out. I was afraid to tell my husband in the middle of the night that his cat was dead. So I told him in the morning that I thought Martin was dead, but he wasn't on the floor anymore. One might ask if the cat was dead why not do something? Well, I can't raise the dead and why upset my husband any sooner than he has to be. I really don't know if all these crazy thoughts about thinking he was dead was for real or a dream, but isn't my house pretty strange if I thought the cat was dead, but ignored it. I think I hear about death so much that it doesn't faze me much.

I am kind of sad, because Sandy has been moved from the hospital to the nursing home in the rehab section. She might as well be in a walk in closet. I think she deserves better treatment. I worked my last long shift. Now I will be on 8 hour days and only 4 days this week. It doesn't pay to take care of the elderly.

Somewhere out there

Somewhere Out There

written by James Horner, Barry Mann, Cynthia Weil

Somewhere out there beneath the pale moonlight
Someone's thinking of me and loving me tonight

Somewhere out there someone's saying a prayer
That we'll find one another in that big somewhere out there

And even though I know how very far apart we are
It helps to think we might be wishing on the same bright star

And when the night wind starts to sing a lonesome lullaby
It helps to think we're sleeping underneath the same big sky

Somewhere out there if love can see us through
Then we'll be together somewhere out there
Out where dreams come true

And even though I know how very far apart we are
It helps to think we might be wishing on the same bright star

And when the night wind starts to sing a lonesome lullaby
It helps to think we're sleeping underneath the same big sky

Somewhere out there if love can see us through
Then we'll be together somewhere out there
Out where dreams come true

This song is special to me.

I found a new talent. I can draw like a kid again. Here is a couple pages from Ashley's book. I am sure she won't mind sharing them with you all.